Awkward Feeling

Before the semester began, I had had already been thinking about my future a lot. It seemed no way out for me. I would say I still don't know what to do and what I want to be. That won't be easy for me and I do need some time. But then I kinda ran away from it. I tried to avoid it by going out with Ivan and avoid thinking about it. Last night when we had dinner together with Rachel, Diana and Rebecca, sth. terrible happened which made me sleepless. I've never been really bad about anyone! But my rmmate asked me whether I liked Rachel or not. On our way back, Rebecca had a serious talk with me. She said I cared too much about Ivan, that made Diana misunderstand me. I know her concern. She doesnt want me to get hurt and she is afraid that I might fall in love with him. Well, I feel awkward that she said these to me. It is horrible! I guess it is hard for us to understand each other. I am always independent and she seems always dependent. I had male friends and she said she never really talked with them. She didn't understand my jokes sometimes, but even Ivan would say 'that's funny' (Maybe he said so just to be nice, but against his own will) Maybe I am selfish and childish. My jokes r awful and boring... Anyway, I've been with Eric a lot and she didn't think it that way. Maybe she wanted me to keep some distance with Ivan. Yes, I know. After he's back I will feel empty. I remember this feeling. My uncle was with us for several months when we were in Canton, after he moved to the States, I had a hard time to get used to it, even though we weren't that close. But if I avoid Ivan because of self protection, that will be worse for me. It is against my moral standard. I guess I want to be a tour guide! I showed her around in Canton, not because I wanted to but I needed to. Most of the time it is more like responsibility than friendship for me to ask her out. It is horrible, isnt it? What about Ivan? For me going out with him is generally fun! I don't really need to worry about him. But she said it's time for him to make new friends and he got on well with a lot of people, not just me. It sounded like I am preventing him from making new friends. (I know she probably meant sth else nicer, but I AM selfish.) I think it is the same as I with Rebecca. We always stayed together. I don't have a lot of local friends and she doesn't know Cantonese. Shall I give her some space and myself some? I was sleepless though I was really tired about these. Then I phoned Eric. I knew he wouldn't sleep until later. He came to my room and it was already a comfort. We talked and I felt better. I knew I had some pressure when I was with Eric, but most of the time I don't feel it. It is like the atmospheric pressure around us. I dont feel it most of the time. I failed the course FRIENDSHIP001~~~ I messed up.