Reason, season or a lifetime

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will konw what to do for each person. "
I felt "dark and twisted" inside earlier, and now I feel as if the sun is beaming on me. In a day, if u read my blog entries in a day, u will probably get the feeling that you have gone through winter to spring.
This afternoon, I read Anna's blog and saw the photos. Her smile is warm as usual. I found it pleasing to read hers and encouraged.
When I was in the common room, I met that hot floormate. She said she wanted to be my rmmate next semester. I felt quite flattered. I am afraid I am not good enough and she will be tired of me after a while. But anyway I am so glad she said that to me.
Hmm, I did sth. bad--naughty. I said to Vicky that her bf should be able to quit smoking for her. Well, it is not a joke, I meant it. She deserves better than a smoker. They had a fight. Norelle said they always have. I know, but I am responsible for that. This guilt is gone the next minute when I met my floormates downstairs. They waved to me in a high spirit. I couldn't help looking back, wondered whether they were doing that to sb. else. Hah, we stopped, talked for a while. I am quite lucky to have these floormates.
At the very beginning of the semester, I thought mix floor would be more interesting. Now I have changed my mind completely. I guess after all it is easier for me to like girls. Sometimes I even wonder what is my sexual orientation. Hah...
Don't be surprised that I am writing a lot these days. iBT is computer based and thus I am trying to get used to it. Efficiency depends on my typing speed.
BTW that sentence is sth I heard from my mp3s. Isn't it amazing?

Big Rocks

Last night, I fell asleep while waiting for the iTunes to import my CD. I made a plan to listen to whatever English materials I have, like the discovery audios, before my TOEFL. When I woke up, it was almost 11 p.m. I had a 'doze' for an hour! Then I grabbed my backpack, hurried to the barn to finish polishing my essay and clear all the compilation errors in my program.
I was still in a low mood at that time, which was just the right mood for my essay writing. I met Clara there. She was preparing for her Madarin presentation for today. I asked her whether she had done parts of the program. I was so dull that I couldn't held back my astonishment when she told me that she didn't even have her program assignment 3 work, let alone this assignment 6. Well, she seemed indifferent about my reaction and her not turning in assignments. After my essay was done and the program worked partially( excluding the empty list part) , I talked with Field. She is always a comfort for me. She is always there listening to my complaints and problems. What is more, she gives reasonable solutions. After the chat, I felt much better.
Around 2 a.m. I decided to go home, I mean the hall. As soon as I got out of the freezing barn, I experienced a chilly 'autumn' wind. ( I don't know it is autumn or winter) I turned up my coat collar against the chill wind and decided to try some unusual route. Crossing the lover's path, I tried to walk down the hill and back to the hall. In the middle I heard fiece dogs barking somewhere. Although it came from in a distance, it was still quite chilly especially when I was listening to the bizarra discovery program about bugs with weird background music. I felt as if the next minute some monster would jump out and my life was threatened. That thought pushed me back to the shortcut and I set off at a quicker trot.
When I was back to somewhere with lights on, I felt warmer. Maybe it was not because of the lights but the walk I had. Then the mp3 player was playing an article called the Big Rocks. I heard this paragraph:
The truth this illustration teaches us is if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Time with your loved ones, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these big rocks in first or you'll never get them in at all.
I got the idea that at this stage, my big rocks are definitely not my silly anxiety. I don't justify to waste my time on feeling bad or reminiscence. I had more and more ideas about the interview topic, internship every night once I lied down. But no matter how bad I did, I could not depress the button and rewind my tape. It doesn't make sense for me to think about it any more. Heh, I was quite aware of this actually, but I just couldn't get over it. It happens. When I made a mistake I couldn't help thinking about it again and again. That is not a positive attitude. I mean if I am not ganna fix it, do forget about it. This thoughts is just sand in my life. Going exchange is not a big deal and the most important thing in my life is... what I am still looking for. I probably would not get it before my time comes.
The "Enjoy your youth" is been abused and actually when I said it I didn't know what it meant. So, I don't mean it when I say it. I want to mean it, but just need some more time.
Wang Lei asked prof about her motto or favourite terms and prof asked about mine. I told them about my song for me to cheer up. I almost forgot about the song these days. Actually I had my motto: varieties fuel creativity. I am not gifted. But I can make it if I have enough practice. Therefore I found the scene when Burke told Cristina about being the best and most talented touching. You don't have to be the most talented to become the best. With more different experience, no matter bitter or sweet, I will mature. I might sound older or more concerned most of the time than my young friends. But there is not point for me to worry about being older! We are just not standing on the same starting line. I don't have to fake to make friends. I can just try to be myself. Hah, as a matter of fact, this is prof's motto. Simple and hard to achieve.
Well, I am writing this to remind myself--- don't make myself suffer because of those sands in my life. Oh, forgot to say, I heard a shocking article from my mp3s: If I have to choose between friends and dreams, I should always pick my dream. I used to think friends are the most valuable thing in my life, but what if the friend is a dream killer like those in the article? So, my point is I am not sure what the big rocks are any more, if they used to friends. Should I adopt that western style "egoism" or my old friend "altruism" ? Which is bigger or heavier?

Couldnt feel worse

I was finishing watching the Fight Or Flight of Grey's and Diana was back. She probably didn't notice, this time it was me who wiped away the tears. I don't know why they have to kill Denny. They wasted the heart! I probably will be sad because of this for several days. I mean the death of Denny. I am so impressed that Cristina and all the interns were fighting for each other. I thought she was quite competetive and kinda selfish. Despite all these flaws I still like her very much. Maybe because she is not my friend and I don't really know her. When all of them went to the chief and revealed their thoughts to him. The scene is beautiful. I have been thinking about friends. If I were Izzie, I would not agree to have my friends sacrifice for me. At the same time, I envy her. She has a bunch of good friends even though they are competitors. I wonder if I can be loved like that. Usually complaints can frighten friends away or make myself annoying. But in the show, they can. Well, I will probably get some advices like "Don't be paranoid" like what George said in that episode. But you know George didn't tell the truth, he was hiding. Amber said she didn't like it because Meredith had sex with him. I guess she kinda put that on Mer. But I think it doesn't make sense for George to be that angry. Like what he confessed in the end, he knew it but still wanted. Why shouldn't he be guilty? In this aspect, Mer is the victim.
Before I recovered from this mood, I revised my essay. To finish the last part, I have to read the book again. I feel so bad after reading it. It seems to me that the girl in the show deserves better man than that scholar HOU in the play. He couldn't make decisions himself. He just followed what others told him and he got beautiful wife and he got rescued. He didn't show his love enough. He was like attracted by her looks and did not really understand her. The real history is not like that. But her death is more pathetic and meaningless. I would like to write sth. to criticize him but my topic is about the fan. Anyway, it is done. I am exhuasted.
I had a problem getting sleep yesterday. Bad things kept coming to my mind. Rebecca said she could filter out the thoughts on them. Hmm, I just couldn't feel better. Well, no matter how bad I feel, I guess I have to move on. Time doesn't wait for me.

I missed my tripod

The trip to Macau was crazy. Some people died without ever tried to be crazy, that's more terrible. So, just enjoy my youth. BTW I could have taken better photos with my tripod!!
It sounds a bit superstitious if I say some supernatural power was trying to stop us from going to the tower. Hah, that's what Ivan said. We got on a bus from the temple and according to the sign it should take us to the Tower. But when we got off, we were in somewhere which was not Macau. We waited at the bus stop for some time and couldn't get on those crowded buses. Well, usually I would be very anxious and worried about wasting time. At that point, with Ivan, I think it's cool. Mm, maybe I was too tired to feel anxious. Both of us didn't sleep well the day before. We fell asleep on the way to Macau. When we finally got to the Tower, it turned out to be disappointed. The Japanese exhibition was not as good as I thought. And the sky was not clear enough to have a skywalk.
But it doesn't matter I have to go to the Tower anyway, because of the food festival. When it's getting dark, we went to the square of the food festival. Without knowing what's going on, a lady with a mic rushed to us. She asked me some questions in Madarin. Mm, it was kinda wired, she must come from some mainland TV channel. Whatever she asked, I could just say "cool". When I got what's happened, she's gone. Wakaka, if it is broadcasted, I must look stupid and miserable like those interviewees I saw on TV. Recalling this is kinda funny. We met a couple with a son in the festival. Macau people are talkive and welcoming. Heh, maybe because I told her we r from HK, she said Macau was a better place for a trip than mainland China, China's not safe. I was a bit embarrassed, because I am actually from mainland China as u know.
After the food festival, I filled my tummy with satisfation and emptied my pocket. We went for a walk along the coastline and walked to some Casino place. We had to save our money for the ferry ticket~~ I guess we were annoying coz we kept talking about how people lost everything on gambling behind those players. Well, in English of course. After that it was quite late the catch the last MTR. We decided to go to the castle which I always wanted to.(actually just heard about the day before) The castle was gorgeous. We just sat and talked on the balcony on the second floor without ordering anything. Nobody seemed to mind. This old castle now has turned into restaurant and hotel. Well, to spend a night here can be very expensive but u can choose to kill ur time like we did. We could have stayed for free though we ordered some drinks in the end. I enjoyed the atmosphere there. I guess Ivan was too tired to go on and me too. But I cannot sleep there like he did. I just feel insecure to sleep on the street or somewhere doesn't belong to somebody I know, hah!
Then we went on to spend last penny we could on food. My feet blistered. That was really painful. That's really silly. That morning I was on sports wear but then I saw my new dress which I didn't have any chances to put on. So I wore my dress and it goes with my sandals. So I decided to take a risk to travel with my stupid sandals. So at first when I felt the pain in my feet I didn't tell Ivan. We just kept walking and walking. After an hour or so, I gave in. I asked for a rest and he helped me with my backpack. I felt terriblely sorry, haha, coz he looked tired too. Fortunately I didn't give up the plan of visiting the lighthouse. Well I just wanted a picture of it. But we actually did some hiking and got to the top of the mountain. Well, I walked on my bare foot at first. It wasn't easy. The road was so coarse that it was quite painful to walk on. Then some morning person warned me of the pieces of glass and I had to put them on. When we finally got to the top, I wanted to cry. The lighthouse was in yellow color and shining. I thought of Quint Buchholz's story about a little boy in the seaside city. The lighthouse was blurred in the fog above the sea. Some animal was in the lighthouse. I found it fascinating and appealing. It captured my soul. Ever since then I am in love with lighthouses. There are other sweet stories about lighthouse though I am not really familiar with real lighthouses. But it was like we knew each other for a century. There were some cold cats and they welcomed me with their apathy stares. They must be some evil witches' souls. They caught the moth and bugs. That's quite scaring. We were staring at each other. After some while I gave in and fell asleep. When I woke up it was quite cold and dark and quiet. I ached all over. Slowly I dragged my tired feet along to the other side. Ivan was there sleeping. From this side I could see the whole city was waking up. Some parts of the city didn't sleep last night. I heard some music from a distance. But actually a lot of morning persons were doing morning excises down the terrace with music. They were not that far from us. But I felt peaceful, calm and isolated. It would be better if I could see the sunrise.
It was exhausted but worthy.

Analysis

I mean her presence didn't bother me that much before. Maybe it is because I didn't realize that she was around and there was somebody like that existed. I was trying to figure out what bothered me and triggered my concern. Then I recalled something unacceptable happened in high school. I kinda forgot. Perhaps I swallowed it. Anyway, I was hoping that it was an accident subconsciously. And my moral standard was above mean in high school and I could be very strict with people. So when I was asked why we were not close. It took me some time to collect my thoughts and analysize. I realized that it must be my fault to avoid sb.. And after all these are the past. I don't want to look back though. So I am writing this not to note down sb.'s 'shortcoming' but my thoughts about this.
Rebecca taught me to accept the fact that there are a lot of females who are living like this. I think they are extremely aware of people looking at them. They think highly of their own images and have hard time dealing with people's criticism. I mean everybody has some problem with criticism unless you are extremely self-conscious. But they will be more unhappy about that and cannot restrain their anger.
I am trying to state my observation and be more nuetual. But you know, I AM negative about this kind of character. In some cases, their high self awareness comes with dependence. They take it for granted that others should think the same way as they do and thus they should always say good things about them and take care of them.
My mum once said boys are obsessed by this kind, she meant for the dependence part. I didn't agree. I am confused now. Amber told me that boys always said girls were complicated and troublesome because they wanted to think it that way. She got this idea from an annoying male friend who always says things like that. Most important of all, the way he says it make us feel that he looks down upon females. But at the same time he might be attracted to this kind of females.
This is quite sad. I want to say I am not that complicated but then it seems that I am not amusing and pleasing. Now I believe it is not this kind of girls' fault. The society or the stronger group of the society imposed their wish on everybody. They were encouraged to do so when their characters were shaped. For example, when a girl was begging for something, her parents might think it cute and give her sth.. After she is satisfied and she realized that she is cute and will continue this stratege. My mum's little student took appearance and clothes for serious. She wanted people to praised her for her good looking face and say yes to whatever she asked for. I worried whether she would become too concerned about these things and would be lost. Well she turns out to be fine. I believe my mum doesn't care that much about these and more or less she has some impact on this little girl. Anyway this little girl seems more healthy and happier now. Old thoughts wish this world to be led by males. Thus dependent and weak females are welcome. This is not written somewhere but it is hinted and passed down generation by generation. I was told not to be too independent in order to get myself a husband, that I am alaways doubtful of. But when I look at Daniel's case, I have to agree. Nowadays the fairness is emphasized and a lot of people especially males are reluctant to admit that deep down, they are still thinking of a perfect world with men as parents.
Hah, do not freak out if you think I am saying something to the extreme. Being politically correct is not my goal anyway. I assume whoever is reading this is eithr my close friend or sb. I don't know at all. I am expressing my personal opinion generally, mean nothing abouot particular one. Sometimes when women are fighting for their right, men say they are asking for too much. When we cast our doubt about their fairness, they sound like they do have an open mind for this. Hmm, I know it is really hard to measure what is fair and unfair. I am aware of that there is no absolute fairness in this world.(now I sound like an old woman, but inside I feel as if I have been living for centuries sometimes)
I think I will learn to accept the fact. Their presence make the world diverse. Probably I will feel more comfortable after writing this and I might find it fun to be an observer. To be honest, at this point I am still not confident about being close to them. Give me more time~~~ hehe~~~

too ugly to be pretty

I listened to this song again and again. And I translated it into English... Though I dont even get some of it in Chinese, by guessing, I complete it.
The theme song of the fat girl show
BTW she is very slim again now...

(F)ELegance wins love more easily
Faces compete for eyes
But how can I change mine given by birth
My pride is drowned by crowd's laughter
(M)Falling in love for appearance is not what I want
Even though parentage becomes obstacle of love
Can I cut across the boundary,
Surprise others by being nice to you
(F)Odinary standard of beauty
(M)How can I weigh my happiness?
(F)One thousand tons
(M)As heavy as that
(F)Spreading out my hands
(M)Give me an affectionate hug
(F)I am not pretty by nature
But have you being understanding
When Ugly little duck is discarded
and running away and then is adopted
I am always living by myself
It is so precious to have you care for me
(M)There's no need for me to pick up the beautiful face
You are beautiful though you don't look pretty
No need to be the idol for ordinary people
Everybody has the right to be loved
(B)Close my eyes to be buried in meditation
(F)Who make you fall in love?
(M)Forget about the weight
(F)I am always being judged by my appearance
I am afraid of being refused by you
cruel remarks will cut me deeply
(M)My cares belong to you
There's always somebody to understand you
Let me embrace you
I'm obsessed by your special charm
(F)I don't know how to make myself look good
But I feel as if there're only two of us in this world
And I dont mind others' remarks
(M)Please release your burden
Your glittering heart has captured my soul
There can be thousand kinds of beauties
(B)Outsider will never get it
Who will be the best for me

LISTEN TO UR INNER VOICE

When I was having afternoon tea in LG7 on my own, Norelle's full of self-confidence image crossed my mind. I asked Eric to have afternoon tea together and he didnt answer directly. Then I knew he had sth else on his mind. From the heart, it was fine with me. I decided it's just too troublesome to have tea with somebody. If somebody doesn't want to have tea with me, I can live with that. I will just let it go. Unlike me, Norelle was mad at somebody when she asked him to have meal together but was kinda refused. Being turned down for her is quite unacceptable. I kinda felt it even back in the days when I was in high school. I didn't really know her. But maybe ever since I met her, she gave me that impression.
Well, it is not bad to have confidence. I don't have strong feeling against her. Maybe I wanna be like her--- to have self-confidence. But at the same time it is very hard for us to understand each other. Sometimes, she did wired things, at least they seemed wired for me. Ivan once said she was wired, but you know, people don't mean what they say. That's what boys like using on girls, but I think it is applicable to all human-beings. Don't deny it.
When I told Rebecca about Norelle. Rebecca said it was understandable. I'm so supprised at her because for Rebecca going out with boys should be wired enough, let alone... I don't know what she meant. But never mind. I'd like to think about the good side of everything. Norelle or Ivan will not be mad at me. Norelle needs sb. to go out with and Ivan will make a good companion. Ivan likes going out and Norelle is a cool one to go out with. They have no problem in communicating with each other. I am persuading myself that I did the right thing. Heh, wish them a good time.
Forget about Norelle and Ivan. I had a very sweet experience last night. The lovely GB girl on my floor said sth. sweet to me and made me sleep well. I do need this especially from nice girls. Sometimes, these words from sb. is more convincing than sb. else. I feel good when girls like me. It was my moto to entertain them. Though I broke my promise long ago. The day a girl said I hurt her and some of my friends I gave up myself. But this smester, some sweet girls on my floor light up the hope. I am still afraid of making Diana mad at me.
Hope my life is not a failure, not a mistake. I kinda feel down today when I checked the 271 paper. I thought I got the idea of the proof for correctness of the algorithm. But I got zero for the last question. It was a 15-point one!! TA said it should be okay for me to get above mean, but not a SD! It is not okay. Forget about the mean, SD... I should have done it correctly. This week's presentation was awful as well. The day I handed in programing assignment was the most terrible day I have ever had. Thinking of all these, the optimistic left me. I sat in the toilet, in my own 'critical section' reviewed what I have done so far. For Norelle and Ivan's sake, I did the right thing --- didnt go out with them. I imagine the worst things that could happen in my life. I lose my job and recieve an invitation to my BF's wedding on the same day. Hah, I will probably stay in my own 'critical section' and read some detective stories or write sth. in my blog. I will not share this with friends. Because I don't want to make them unhappy or worried about me. Maybe they don't know what to say and will be embarrassed. I understand that. Sometimes I need to do analysis to understand myself, let alone others. To avoid losing 'friends', share what I think they will like with them. Do not make their life hard...
When I was out of the critical section, I felt better. I wont say I have great pressure for life. But even if I do have, I won't kill myself when I am at low. I met a floormate who I dont like very much yesterday. She said bad things about mainland before she knew I was from mainland. She was giving incorrect information to the exchanges. But I didn't say anything to defend. I think words are too pale at this point. Maybe some day I will see people love each other, as if we all live in 'Love Actually is all around'. Can this be a reason why I won't kill myself?

There must be a way out

Yesterday I got the news about Felix which is quite sad. Norelle was upset. She kept saying she wanted a rich husband. I could just try to laugh at that. No matter what stage of life or what condition you are living in, you could be unsatisfied with it if you want to. I think it is up to yourself. For me, I was as happy as now when I was small and my family was poorer. Sometimes beautiful stuffs make me happy but I dont have to have them. Keeping them in mind is enough. I think Norelle is a bit worried about her future. The same here. I have the fear for my unknown future as well, as if my eyes are covered. I believe this is quite natural. However, no matter how hard life is, do not kill yourself because of that! I don't really know Felix, but Anna knows him. He used to live on 10th floor where I stay now.
Today is 1111, a day to feel lonely, though I dont want to. Rebecca is gone to camp now, wish her a good day. Ivan and I planned to go to Macau today but sth wrong with my program and I postponed our trip. I believe next week could be a better time. Hmm, I was thoughtless sometimes~~~

the luxurious weekend

After the midterm period, I lost my mood for study again. It was like a ballon. On Friday afternoon, my mind was undetermined. Ivan called on Thursday and Amber asked me out a week ago. I was a bit worried about my result for comp251. I was afraid that I might get a very bad result and ruin others' day. If I break up, I probably prefer staying alone. Heh, that came to my mind at that time. Ivan called on Friday before I got my result back. He rarely called me and I was a bit surprised. Dont remeber what I said to him now. But anyway I didnt go.(I thought it would be perfectly okay for Norelle to take him out, didnt expect her to fell bad that day) Later, the result came and it was okay. Then I decided to go out with Amber. It might be a bad idea. I spent a lot of money!!! It was the first time I spent more than 800 in a day, in 3 hours!!! The next day I went out with Rebecca because it was a nice day. What is more, I have got my cosmetics and I'd like to try them on. Late that night, I still had had nothing done so far and thus I decided to enjoy my youth~~~ I had a walk with Ivan. We went out to have a dessert and when we were back it was past the midnight. We walked to his 'secret' site. From the ground floor we could hear the music already. It was a group of MBA students having party and they invited us. So we went. I guess they were drunk. A lot of embarrassing questions were raised. If they are my close friends, I think it would be fine. Ivan drank a little bit and he blushed. Well the area around my eyes became red as well. That wine was tasty and I couldnt help drinking! The next Monday on my way to lab, I met that playboy and SA cute one. They opened the door for me and asked whether I remembered them. Of course I remember. It was not me who got drunk. Later when I went to LG1 I saw that playboy again! After interviewing my cousin and meeting these people, I kinda want to study business. It seems that they are all enjoying their youth!

TOEFL

I handed in the exchange application form. I dont think there's much hope for me because the competition is more tense this year. Well, just give it a try. I applied and paid the TOEFL yesterday. Unfortunately, there's no vacancies in HK!!! I have to go to Macau instead!! And it is DEC 1st!!! I hope the result will be delivered in time (before 29th).
my current list:
Washington
UCSD
UIUC
RICE
Michigan
UCSB
UCDavis
Toronto
Warwrick
Probably I will visit Macau on DEC 2nd~~ Rebecca suggested me to ask Ivan to go. Mmm that was on my mind too! She said it would be safer to travel with sb. Hah... but he is a zombie~~
BTW I got a beautiful postcard from Anna. I read her blog and I think I miss her. Hmm, maybe the past two weeks i was too busy to miss anyone.