the Siamese cat

Very sad, I am that cat. Today I met the girl in library who we knew each other from the western short stories' lecture. She said she was in year 0. I was surprised because she looked very local. Then she denied it at once and I can tell that she was afraid to be catogorized as a mainland student. Then I ask" Do you think I am one? " She said no immediately and I surprised her by saying "Indeed I am!" I didn't kill any zebras I hope. I haven't really formed my social circle of cats unfortunately. I want some cats who can joke with me and have serious talk with me. I don't want to be a cat frighten zbras or have a lot of zebras who don't understand me at all. Well then I know that we are all unique! No cat can really understand me, right?
Rebecca's way of persuading me to do sth. is quite simple and I still will follow her advise. I am in the Huma253 now, despite the fact that I hate memorizing facts, names, places. But I do like this professor! I like his soft way of telling stories. Sb talks in a low voice but that doesn't mean he or she speaks softly. I like those voices which we can all hear and yet are gentle. Well it is not hard to be soft and make us all hear him. Prof has mic! He talked about some dynasties. About the ban on seafaring. I feel very sad about that. What if a Siamese cat one day wanted to see his hometown? He had no other choices just because of this powerful country didn't allow him to return. Before I went to the lecture, I got the play of Peach Blossom Fan. The selection we were required to read is one of my favourites. For me it is more than ruins of their yesterday's pleasure-houses; it is more than death bodies and people of starvation!
" I　came to the old pleasure-house,
no need to knock,
no fear for dogs.
A dried-up well, an abandoned nest,
moss-covered tiles, the steps sprouting weeds..."
Translation makes it plain. You can still feel what the transaction of regimes and wars bring to people. It was truly magnificent, but it brought you tears. A scholar of the previous dynasty must have felt very repulsed against the new one. They had identity difficulties as the cat had. They probably would be killed if they didn't follow the new dynasty's decisions. For them, it was no more freedom not even in their dreams. BTW, when the prof refered Taiwan as SE Asia, a girl raised her hand and seemed to be angry about that and the prof had to explain it was geographically defined. Come on, I mean it is history! Mmm, I hope China can have Taiwan but I know it is like love. If she doesn't like you, marriage doesn't count! Having approval from others dosnt mean a lot to me.
I believe that we are looking for a better world and we are trying to make a better one. I understand that holding different positions in this world will lead to different conclusions! Heh, I am worrying about the rest of the world again! I haven't read anything about the middle east or Bush administration. I guess I am just not strong enough to face the reality

Awkward Feeling

Before the semester began, I had had already been thinking about my future a lot. It seemed no way out for me. I would say I still don't know what to do and what I want to be. That won't be easy for me and I do need some time. But then I kinda ran away from it. I tried to avoid it by going out with Ivan and avoid thinking about it. Last night when we had dinner together with Rachel, Diana and Rebecca, sth. terrible happened which made me sleepless. I've never been really bad about anyone! But my rmmate asked me whether I liked Rachel or not. On our way back, Rebecca had a serious talk with me. She said I cared too much about Ivan, that made Diana misunderstand me. I know her concern. She doesnt want me to get hurt and she is afraid that I might fall in love with him. Well, I feel awkward that she said these to me. It is horrible! I guess it is hard for us to understand each other. I am always independent and she seems always dependent. I had male friends and she said she never really talked with them. She didn't understand my jokes sometimes, but even Ivan would say 'that's funny' (Maybe he said so just to be nice, but against his own will) Maybe I am selfish and childish. My jokes r awful and boring... Anyway, I've been with Eric a lot and she didn't think it that way. Maybe she wanted me to keep some distance with Ivan. Yes, I know. After he's back I will feel empty. I remember this feeling. My uncle was with us for several months when we were in Canton, after he moved to the States, I had a hard time to get used to it, even though we weren't that close. But if I avoid Ivan because of self protection, that will be worse for me. It is against my moral standard. I guess I want to be a tour guide! I showed her around in Canton, not because I wanted to but I needed to. Most of the time it is more like responsibility than friendship for me to ask her out. It is horrible, isnt it? What about Ivan? For me going out with him is generally fun! I don't really need to worry about him. But she said it's time for him to make new friends and he got on well with a lot of people, not just me. It sounded like I am preventing him from making new friends. (I know she probably meant sth else nicer, but I AM selfish.) I think it is the same as I with Rebecca. We always stayed together. I don't have a lot of local friends and she doesn't know Cantonese. Shall I give her some space and myself some? I was sleepless though I was really tired about these. Then I phoned Eric. I knew he wouldn't sleep until later. He came to my room and it was already a comfort. We talked and I felt better. I knew I had some pressure when I was with Eric, but most of the time I don't feel it. It is like the atmospheric pressure around us. I dont feel it most of the time. I failed the course FRIENDSHIP001~~~ I messed up.