Analysis

I mean her presence didn't bother me that much before. Maybe it is because I didn't realize that she was around and there was somebody like that existed. I was trying to figure out what bothered me and triggered my concern. Then I recalled something unacceptable happened in high school. I kinda forgot. Perhaps I swallowed it. Anyway, I was hoping that it was an accident subconsciously. And my moral standard was above mean in high school and I could be very strict with people. So when I was asked why we were not close. It took me some time to collect my thoughts and analysize. I realized that it must be my fault to avoid sb.. And after all these are the past. I don't want to look back though. So I am writing this not to note down sb.'s 'shortcoming' but my thoughts about this.
Rebecca taught me to accept the fact that there are a lot of females who are living like this. I think they are extremely aware of people looking at them. They think highly of their own images and have hard time dealing with people's criticism. I mean everybody has some problem with criticism unless you are extremely self-conscious. But they will be more unhappy about that and cannot restrain their anger.
I am trying to state my observation and be more nuetual. But you know, I AM negative about this kind of character. In some cases, their high self awareness comes with dependence. They take it for granted that others should think the same way as they do and thus they should always say good things about them and take care of them.
My mum once said boys are obsessed by this kind, she meant for the dependence part. I didn't agree. I am confused now. Amber told me that boys always said girls were complicated and troublesome because they wanted to think it that way. She got this idea from an annoying male friend who always says things like that. Most important of all, the way he says it make us feel that he looks down upon females. But at the same time he might be attracted to this kind of females.
This is quite sad. I want to say I am not that complicated but then it seems that I am not amusing and pleasing. Now I believe it is not this kind of girls' fault. The society or the stronger group of the society imposed their wish on everybody. They were encouraged to do so when their characters were shaped. For example, when a girl was begging for something, her parents might think it cute and give her sth.. After she is satisfied and she realized that she is cute and will continue this stratege. My mum's little student took appearance and clothes for serious. She wanted people to praised her for her good looking face and say yes to whatever she asked for. I worried whether she would become too concerned about these things and would be lost. Well she turns out to be fine. I believe my mum doesn't care that much about these and more or less she has some impact on this little girl. Anyway this little girl seems more healthy and happier now. Old thoughts wish this world to be led by males. Thus dependent and weak females are welcome. This is not written somewhere but it is hinted and passed down generation by generation. I was told not to be too independent in order to get myself a husband, that I am alaways doubtful of. But when I look at Daniel's case, I have to agree. Nowadays the fairness is emphasized and a lot of people especially males are reluctant to admit that deep down, they are still thinking of a perfect world with men as parents.
Hah, do not freak out if you think I am saying something to the extreme. Being politically correct is not my goal anyway. I assume whoever is reading this is eithr my close friend or sb. I don't know at all. I am expressing my personal opinion generally, mean nothing abouot particular one. Sometimes when women are fighting for their right, men say they are asking for too much. When we cast our doubt about their fairness, they sound like they do have an open mind for this. Hmm, I know it is really hard to measure what is fair and unfair. I am aware of that there is no absolute fairness in this world.(now I sound like an old woman, but inside I feel as if I have been living for centuries sometimes)
I think I will learn to accept the fact. Their presence make the world diverse. Probably I will feel more comfortable after writing this and I might find it fun to be an observer. To be honest, at this point I am still not confident about being close to them. Give me more time~~~ hehe~~~

too ugly to be pretty

I listened to this song again and again. And I translated it into English... Though I dont even get some of it in Chinese, by guessing, I complete it.
The theme song of the fat girl show
BTW she is very slim again now...

(F)ELegance wins love more easily
Faces compete for eyes
But how can I change mine given by birth
My pride is drowned by crowd's laughter
(M)Falling in love for appearance is not what I want
Even though parentage becomes obstacle of love
Can I cut across the boundary,
Surprise others by being nice to you
(F)Odinary standard of beauty
(M)How can I weigh my happiness?
(F)One thousand tons
(M)As heavy as that
(F)Spreading out my hands
(M)Give me an affectionate hug
(F)I am not pretty by nature
But have you being understanding
When Ugly little duck is discarded
and running away and then is adopted
I am always living by myself
It is so precious to have you care for me
(M)There's no need for me to pick up the beautiful face
You are beautiful though you don't look pretty
No need to be the idol for ordinary people
Everybody has the right to be loved
(B)Close my eyes to be buried in meditation
(F)Who make you fall in love?
(M)Forget about the weight
(F)I am always being judged by my appearance
I am afraid of being refused by you
cruel remarks will cut me deeply
(M)My cares belong to you
There's always somebody to understand you
Let me embrace you
I'm obsessed by your special charm
(F)I don't know how to make myself look good
But I feel as if there're only two of us in this world
And I dont mind others' remarks
(M)Please release your burden
Your glittering heart has captured my soul
There can be thousand kinds of beauties
(B)Outsider will never get it
Who will be the best for me