Good bye, great grandma

Great grandma passed away. She waited until my mum arrived. She finally could have a rest after whole life's working. She traveled more this year, maybe she knew it. I felt so bad that I didn't talk a lot with her last time. I felt terribly sorry that last time I was so selfish. Mum said great grandma wouldn't mind. I know that, but I do mind. Last night, after 2 hours' programming ( from 1am to 3 am ), when I finally lied down. That sad feeling attacked me. Tears kept running down my face. I know tears wouldnt help, but couldnt stop. I am a bad daughter, bad great grand daughter. I could say "I like you very much" sometimes directly to my friends, but not my family. I am proud of my great grandma for her healthy long life and I hope she was proud of me. Maybe I don't deserve it. I cried towards the wall and was tired after a while. Then I fell asleep. My grandpa will live on his own. But I know he will be okay. He always has some girlfriends. I don't remeber any word from my grandma now. She had a lot of stories but I didn't ask. Maybe it was the gap. Sometimes I found it hard to make me understood. In her last days, I went to the hospital and talked to her. She was still conscious. I sang a song and I don't what I sang now. Both of us missed some important moment in our lives. She missed my mum's childhood and maybe she was absent from mum's whole life. I missed a life with a grandma. That's why I sometimes I cannot understand Amber or Rebecca's strong tie with their great grandparents. Amber flew back to Si Chuan a lot despite the expensive travel fee. She went back twice this summer. My grandpa lives so near to my city but I didn't go back. I know my dad will probably wish me going back to his hometown. But the same, I just wouldnt enjoy it as much as he does.
Diana was a little bit upset sometimes. I wanted to comfort her but I am afraid it was inappropriate for her culture. Yesterday it was her country's presendential election. She was so nervous about it. China is so big and sometimes I do think that who is the leader won't make a big difference. Maybe I was wrong. Today I felt a bit more emotional than usual. When I was watching the news from the Phoenix Satellite TV, I was moved several times. Even the rat race touched me. Somebody might say it is a girl's thing. Girls are more emotional generally. I don't want to say that, but maybe it is true. Boys were taught to be strong and not to show thier emotion. Neo said he wouldn't cry in front of people. I agreed. I didnt cry in front of anyone by then. But these days, it came to my mind. I believe if you are unhappy maybe you should just do whatever you want. You wanna cry then just do it. I can be classified as very emotional by indulging myself like this. As long as I feel comfortable, why not? Why must I follow the rules instead if breaking them?
I talked to Daniel on the phone last night. When I have acdemic problem I talk with Neo. I found it very comforting to talk with Neo. He sounds so real and understanding. At this point I do miss Neo, though we were not close. I will miss my great grandma occasionally. Maybe every autumn in the rest of my life. Or maybe her image will fade away after some years. But I still think of my dear uncle whenever I see his favourite flowers.
Good bye my dear great grandma. I hope I will qualify to be a good girl by the end of ... some day...