PL

I just moved out from the LAB and moved in to LIB.

DK said:
FP:
roughly 35-40% : Scheme
roughly 35-40% : ML
LP:
roughly 10-15% : Prolog
Oscar's part:
roughly 10-15% : other, e.g. activation records

Functional Programming
the working language for textbook is Standard ML.
30s:
Alan Turing's Turing machine
based on an updated store (memory)
Alonzo Church's lambda calculus
based on the mathematical concept of functions

LAMBDA calculus is the foundation of FP paradigm.
functions -- first class object
-> pass as argument
-> return as result
-> store in variable

basic mode of computation : construction and application of functions
principle control mechanism: recursive function application
free from side-effect: no assignment
example: LISP, Scheme, ML, Haskell, Miranda...

<> ::= <>
| <> ->
| <> * <>
| <> list

->, *, list r in order of decreasing precedence.
basic value := atomic


Scheme:

We have implemented a micro Scheme ourselves this semester!

I survived the day

I found an interesting term on Operationg System, page 293. I read this chapter only once when I did the written assignment. But at that time I was scanning through the chapter, as if I was doing reading comprehension... Amazingly I could get the correct answer by getting the main idea of each paragraph and combine them without really understand the main idea. So I am rereading the chapters. The term is deadly embrace. This resource allocation graph is like the relationship among the main characters of dramas or tv shows. I believe people tend to avoid this happening, but on the contary they enjoy start with this condition. I think it is like choas. It is the beauty of the world. This law of beauty can be applied to different fields.
Let me show you how we can link the OS to real life interperson relationship. We use the technique of AGING to solve indefinite postponement. So if you are patient enough as u r aging, u will get ur priority increased. Which means you can win your love if your love lasts long enough. You can change people's idea if you can wait and stick to your own. A lot of time, as friends we are preemptive processes. If you are talking to your close friend and he or she sees a beautiful girl or handsome guy (example from Muppala) , he or she will push you away. It is true and people do that without noticing. Hah, I don't know. But Daniel says it is natural and we cannot blame any GUY for being 重色轻友. So we have to live with that and get used to being preemptive process.
I was "joking" to Amber about commiting suicide. But actually I was quite serious last night. Reading the proofs of NP-complete is tough enough let alone prooving them myself. Like how Diana felt the day before, I felt desperate. But unlike her I cannot reschedule my exam. Diana got a lot of pressure these days. She cried for the thoughts of not getting pass. I started to concern I might get B- or even worse for some courses. For the math144, I used tables in textbook but I didn't know about prof's table. They are different! I just did the problems by guessing. Luckily I was able to get above mean though not a SD. (Because I didn't do well for midterm so I was hoping for a above SD score... but I have to admit that I didnt put enough effort into it especially competing with bunch of students who studied statistics before and maths students.) BTW I do need the grade if I want to go exchange... But never mind. I guess I will try to kill myself next time, I didn't go out with Cathy ONCE! But I went out with Ivan a lot!!! It is like she is my preemptive process, but you know, she is not. I don't believe in the preemptive example given by Muppala... Anyway... I move on...
BTW did I tell you that Diana changed her ticket and she is leaving on 23? She couldn't do the exam today, too stressed. When I comforted her, I wanted to cry too! hah~ I called my parents but you know, cannot really tell them how scared I was. I just said I didn't do well and I am sorry.
Zhou Xiang and I discussed about the BIG marriage today. She said she was practical and wanted to marry to a rich family like the girl in the news. I said it just didn't matter that much if I marry a guy with billion dollars or several thousands. You can be happier if you want to. She was exclaiming how lucky they were to be born in that family... I didn't know what to respond. It is like I didn't know her! I mean you cannot pick your parents, your apperance, sometimes even your intellegence... Why bother admiring those 'lucky' ones? Does she really love him? Is she really happy? Will this marriage last long? Won't she feel bored being full-time housewife? Won't she lose her intellegence and ability to survive in this society? I know they can write their fairy tales and make it beautiful but we will never know the truth... If their 'luck' bothers you, why don't you believe that they are not as happy as seem? Heh... I didn't tell her this... I don't want to argue or fight... After all we are after different things.

小憩

活过来了,刚才睡了一会.Rebecca在梦中吃烧鸡，我在咳嗽和呕吐。然后有人说，那个谁谁好罗索，一听是Muppala在重复：“Collect the data, throw the data, collect the data, throw the data... ”
注解：我趴在桌子上，大概不舒服。Rebecca在身边，我耳朵里塞着Mupala的lecture audio。

干掉了两门，闲扯一下

哈哈,那天阿占说:" 牛牛,你为什么说门啊?"现在想来是因为我们讲普通话,口语和书面语没有区别嘛.Cindy说这样有一个好处，写作文快一点。不过，我没有觉得怎么样，还是看个人吧。昨天考了Huma,感觉不好。然后还和老师吃东西，晚上到Daniel他们那边，没有什么效率，还聊天。回到hall，又看亚运。反正就是一系列自杀行为。所以，最后只好通顶了。极不健康。今天考得照例糟糕。觉得都没有什么把握。我自己平时看书，用的是树后面的表格，今天老师给的竟然不同的。唉我用common sense来评价数据的合理性，都不知道对不对。而且那些查表的，没有什么步骤可言，是残酷的。然后是应用题，应用题。唉，我理解力不好吧。
想想昨天下午，还真是开心呢。原来做练习题，得心应手，总以为可以高枕无忧了。原来考试毕竟不一样，平日里的工夫都见分晓了。平日我总是做operating system的题就当是reading comprehension,做数学也是套套公式，251就是lab做掉，project做掉，也没有花什么其他的时间，难怪学的不扎实。到了期末才发现。浩智（不知道是不是这样写）说喜欢final的，因为他平时有下功夫吧。这种时候很想说我不喜欢，谁会喜欢final呢？eric吧，是他夺A+的时候了。但是，总是不好意思，惭愧啊。就像上次Haze问我关于Yuyu的事，她问问题的方式让我只能有一种答案。我想haze总还不至于对我有什么敌意，如果是因为上庄的事，她也应该知道我是有理由的。但是可能是她说话的方式，让我满害怕的。有的时候，她还挺热情，很多时候就是比较agressive。不是说浩智的说话方式，就是忽然想到Haze了。
今天考试的时候，grey's anatomy的音乐一直响着，如果说他们的life很crappy，我想至少很有意义。Ivan似乎说过，中国人天然崇拜医生。我想可能不是因为收入好什么的，但是，就像grey他们那样，救人啊，怎么想都挺崇高的。做运动员也很好，虽然也是要吃很多苦，但是说明他们有别人没有的天赋啊。顺便一提，昨天3米男子跳板最后一跳，难度系数3.8太完美了。至于后面又播了点篮球，只能说让人失望，也没有看到易建联。亚运会还是无聊，都是自己人在表演，可以说有些项目，比如跳水，还没有什么全运会的水平。中国的体育也是太局限。当然不可能什么都去争金牌，不过，可以在世界上冲入前八才说明好吧。就像很多名校，总以为培养几个尖子，状元就是搞好了教育。那么其他“陪读”的大部分人还去学校做什么？说实验的竞赛不如深中，高考状元、800分以上的也越来越少，但是我看着还不一定说明问题。如果老师可以多点道德培养，不是传统的那种，是比如环保啊，职业道德，爱情观，为人处事，对社会、地球的责任感什么的，不是更好吗？我可不希望中国培养出的是一堆要么考试，要么就肤浅的学生。比如和floormate看电视，你就能明显感觉到。有时候，有些女生的comment只有“这个人好丑阿”，头一次听觉的是她“纯真”，再听就觉得不可思议了。你要发表你的审美观，我无所谓，只是这种发表有多少意义？看跳水，她们的目光全都落在身材、泳衣上了。我当然也会看这个运动员体形怎么样，但是没有必要重头到尾就这种评价吧。如果不懂，不如不要开口。和Ivan说过我不喜欢别人这样，他倒是不理解了。或许是我要求严格了点，想想Amber和Anna看悲惨世界，Anna大部分时候沉默，偶尔来两句Cosette长得好奇怪啊，但是我是知道她是可爱的。所以说，如果她高中音乐课有音乐剧欣赏就好了。我的学校是有的，但是并不是每个人都会修。而且，可以说是我一开始借了我的dvd给老师，老师才觉得把这个介绍给同学们很好。说起来上次在听钢琴音乐会时又见到王老师，原来做音乐老师还真要常常去听这样的音乐会啊。
越扯越远，反正就是想什么些什么吧。Allan很反对他女儿写blog，可是他离开UK那么多年，怎么还那么保守呢？如果他相信自己的女儿就应该让她写，如果她不想让他看就保持沉默，不是很好么？网络上面也没有那么多的虎豹豺狼吧？

cannot be happier

From 7:30 -> 12:00, I was debugging and actually redesigning my way of mapping!!!
Finally, finally, I am too happy to cry.
Though I didnt manage to do the bonus part, still I am so satisfied.
I know my way of evaluating is kinda stupid, but I it can pass the cases now.
I used a stack to collect garbage and then expect fewer memory leak. I used a stack to push all the operands list map. On every level of apply function, I create a new map and push a pointer to the map to the global stack. After every apply, I pop out one pointer from the stack. When I enter the apply function I usually clear the garbage bin.
It is not amazing, but haha.
I read Kangoo's, he used one stack and minor local ones, push and pop a lot. It is complicated. It was like talking to the buddy face to face. So when seeing him in LG5 I almost continued the talk between us.
I think I completely understand Winson's joy. The process was hard and I nearly gave sometimes. When it was 11 pm I still had a bug about passing the list as parameter and didnt find it out. When my buddy called and asked me whether I would like to go to Norelle's Bday party, I almost collasped...
Wakaka... I am so glad that I didnt give up. So Happy bday to Norelle... I donnu. I just don't take bday serious. I donnu what to celebrate. I guess I will call my mum on my Bday. It is just pointless to have cake for oneself only or whatever. Oh, I can find one meaning for friends to celebrate one's bday! It is a chance to have fun and thank the one for being caring. So I probably should thank my close friends for taking care of me for the previous year. Mmm sounds reasonable. But I am always thankful and I prefer to be nice to friends every day instead of just that particular day and because of some gifts. Well, on the other hand giving and getting a gift is always enjoyable... So I just give presents to friends when I find sth right for them.

我是一个糟糕的家伙

小小忏悔一下……
说mice变了，但是其实只是我自己不够关心别人。
如果我遇到那样的事情，应该会变化更大的。
总觉得这个学期亏了，很多人和事都过眼云烟。
所以我总也是最后知道的。以前还觉得会因为不入流而难过，现在完全没有觉悟。就是不入流嘛，怎么样。
尝试过做点small talk，其实那样也不叫入流嘛。只是哗众取宠．我还是适合严肃点。Ivan说我很奇怪。其实，或许我和他从来就不是一国的。他说他喜欢的东西，或许都是假的呢。曾经为这样的不同而烦恼，不过，现在看来他就是很普通的一个人。只是我自己把他想象成另外一个人，这种想象是危险的。某天他就会把你吓死．或许他一直理解的kama都不过是另外一个人。哈哈，他说这样讲很可怕。
我要真心的祝福mice和她的家人。我都不知道说什么好了。当然我也帮不上什么，但是就是感觉糟糕，如此糟糕。又不能表现出来。只能淡淡的说点什么。RT妈妈也是，现在精神还不错的。我每次去看阿姨，都觉得自己很糟糕。已经拥有很多东西，但是还是不满足。我是属于高危人群，有家族史嘛。mice说要吃蘑菇。我们还聊了一下经济和exchange的事情。
我觉得两个人聊天的时候，mice又回来。胖胖说（她从来就不胖）我们本来就不是玩在一起的，不过，关系这种东西又不是一起玩就好的。有的交流可以是很深层次的。有的时候就是随便几句安慰的话，或者只是听听对方的牢骚，就可以有灵魂的交流了。总之，我一直觉得mice是很可爱的，虽然她有棱有角的，不过很有个性。我觉得她对我也很好啊。
在和mice聊之前，就有点depressed。给daniel打电话。我老是说男生不可靠，不过难过的时候还是要给他挂个电话。对不起点说句，他就像我的女朋友，可以听我发牢骚。rebecca是不用说的。她总是很耐心。不过因为她太乖了，所以有的话还是和daniel说比较好。倒不是说觉得她innocent，就是觉得daniel比较能明白，他听了也没有什么负担。而且他喜欢悲剧嘛。哈哈。
今天一早起来全身都疼，昨天摔了一大跤，不过呢，应该没有关系才对。或许，我的身体热切渴望冬天吧，或许渴望24小时的睡眠呢。yuyu很重视健康的样子，我虽然也想，就是做不到。反复想他说的惰性的问题，觉得很有道理。特别是冬天的早晨，赖床的感觉太好了，这样好的感觉已经很久没有体会到了。或者考完试可以试试看．
顺便提一下，名字应该叫zebra的，我就不是siamese cat。还是被屠杀的zebra比较好。而且我也没有猫那样自恋自怜，大部分时候都是谦虚接受扼杀的。

Last dinner

I had the last dinner with Ivan at the UC, which reopened recently. It actually looks better now. A bunch of exchanges came for farewell I guess. So were we.
I met DY Yueng there! He is a really nice person. I havent taken any of his courses, but according to his English and his clear mind when we were talking, could not be bad. He was with two small boys, and I thought they were his boys. But Rebecca said his son graduated...
Ivan and I talked a little bit about Globe group project. Ivan said he was sorry that not so many people cared about environment. It is okay. I used to have a lot of concerns but now not as much. I just get used to people's apathy and that they saying that I am too serious and strange. I guess I just get used to all these great remarks! Plus, even the pollution or running out of resources will not make human being die out, they will kill each other anyway. Keren said they are still expecting their winter. Yes, that could be because of global warming. But the real reason is unknown yet. I told him sth. about our comp251. I in fact kinda confused and mixed all those languages. SML, Prolog, scheme... But they are amazing! I also told him sth. about the language translation. But since I don't know much about it, I just cannot say too much. You don't expect me to tell him about CFG and all those stuffs, right? Then I shared my idea about the Peach Blossom Fan. I know I am a serious person, so I kinda avoid talking about big issue to please others, so I did. But that doesn't work. Talking about acdemic can bore others as well. Anybody can just live without me --- I always have this feeling. And I think it is true, I won't say I cant live without you to anyone. But for my real friends for lifetime, living without you will be painful. But no matter how hard it is, I move on. But so far, the real friends still stay in my life, I didn't lose them. Pray for their good health! Hah.
In the end Ivan paid for the bill, but I asked him to. So it is not that good. I am grateful but as he joked "DO I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY?" I felt guilty. But he will and I can treat him if he wants. Sometimes money dosen't matter that much, but when it comes to others' money, you just have to think about it. When he pays I always feel sorry for his parents. Haha, wasting their money on me.
Then I talked with Field for some while. She is going to Eypt!!!!!!!!!! I always want to travel with good friends. (I have been using SSH a lot, now I have get use to backspace and avoid using delete key. )
I was not sad as expected at the beginning of the semester. Maybe I will not be sad for anybody's departure, even when Field was leaving for UK. I just know I can always find this person if she or he is my real friend for a lifetime. If she or he is not the real friend, then just let it be. Field said she wanted to be single, is that because she doesnt trust them? I don't know, didnt go deep into it.
By the way, Yuyu came just now. I mean I am in the barn and he came to the barn for his CD left here two days ago. I had similar experience. Then we discussed about the huma course. He still had problem with the Justice to Dou E. I think we will not be asked about that. Well I always hate part of everything. Because nothing can be perfect right? I mean I can like sth or sb with its or her or his flaws, but I can still say I hate part of it right? Field said she is on my side and it is very sweet for her to say so. But there is no side... Things are not just black or white, there are some grey areas. Well when the grey is dark enough and I cannot stand it any more, it is black for me, even if you say it is grey. After all, they are just relatively black or white. When there is not light, everything just cannot reflect any light, what is the point for saying it is black or white? We just don't have the standard. Mmm, I dont know what I am talking about any more.
Come back to the dinner thing. I didn't say good bye. I guess I could have said sth. nicer. I guess I am at lost of words. You know my English is not good and my facial expression in fact is deceiving. So it is pointless for me to make any effort. I assume Ivan knows what I want to say.
Mmm, should go back to work now.

QUoted from Super COW's blog!

This one is amazing! I am a witness: yesterday in the LG1 lab, sb occupied the pc for a whole and I kept wondering. 7-8 pm, Mice came and I saw her removing her hard disk from the PC--- there was a hard disk hiding somewhere!!
Now if u see Mice on campus, just call her CEO!!! Let's spread this news!!!!

November 17

CEO，是这样诞生的。。

CEO是怎样诞生的？？？！

高智商还是高人品？？！西周刊告诉你，nonono。。。

就让我们来抬一下CEO的模范mice同学是怎么诞生的吧！！

mice同学每日都会端坐在她的高级电脑前，目光扑朔迷离看着迅雷的下载页面，一动不动地看着那些个一动不动的进度标示

~~多么深情，又是多么绝望~~

许多同志因为无法忍受这可怕的网速，投奔老牌儿垄断CEO的时候。。。mice不甘示弱！！！

她即使是在网速只能以b来计算的时候，仍然如同黄继光一样在坚守自己的电脑前，一秒也不曾倒下！！！她的乐观的精神一直支撑着她走过这些艰难的 638b的岁月。。。笔者采访她的时候她透露：“我是一个特别容易满足的人！！”据笔者观察，此言属实。当网速达到1kb的时候，mice已是如沐春风， 喜上眉梢~~高兴的扳着几个指头看看还有几十个小时能获得最后的胜利！！

这感人的情景，让笔者不禁汗如雨下-______________-|||

如今，革命的艰辛岁月即将过去，mice同学将迎来她事业的新巅峰！！即便是当代最高级的笔记本也已经不能容纳mice那庞大的Inventory， 笔者预计，她未来的发展方向将为伟大的盗版事业，书柜里的n盒儿DVD足以说明她是一支潜力股！！

今天，在被西周刊评为本年度最有耐心，最具恒心，天天费心的Chief Entertaining Officer的时候，mice同学泪如雨下，万分激动！！但是她仍然十分谦虚的表示：“那个4400我已经当了31个小时还没到50%，不过31个小时 都当下来了，我就不信我当不完你！！”笔者。。感冻了。。。

正式由于这种执著的精神和高尚的职业道德，mice同学现在受到了广大群众的热烈追捧，百呼一应（mice）的情景久久地萦绕笔者脑海中，组织内部顿时变成一片欢乐的海洋！！

望同志们向我们的mice同学好好学习，加紧步伐成长为我国新一代的CEO！！^_____^

last few days

I am busy with my last few programing assignments for this semester.
Just submitted one for comp252. Our last project only recieved 92~~~ quite unexpected. Rebecca said maybe we forgot to delete all the test output lines. Well, that Toilet one actually was quite easy a lot of groups got 100 I guess.
The comp251 project is almost done now. I have been thinking about it even in my dreams. You know, I promised to have dinner with Ivan (which is quite sad if I say this is the last one), and I have to hurry up. There are a few bugs especially when I input recursion functions into my micro scheme. Rebecca's approach is to dynamically allocate stuffs and store them in the map and use a pointer to keep track. But I think since when the program is executed, it is already on the runtime stack, so, I think I can make use of it to evaluate the input expression. My A5 probably got very low marks for I had some misunderstanding about input format!!! That is so bad!!! But like Winson said, I did it myself, that is enough. I have already got that sense of accomplishment. DK gave us his last lecture for this semester and probably the last one I can ever have. When he finished, everybody clapped their hands. Rebecca and I are thinking about asking him to be our supervisor. Well, that means we will probably do something like pattern matching, language stranslation. His translation system seems very fancy and HUGE. He mentioned the comp3XX he's gonna offer in the next fall semester today and I told him I would probably go exchange then~~~ He had some trouble for being absent for several times this semester. I still like him. But I do hope he could have showed up more. Hah! Maybe I am just like Norelle! Np, definitely not. DK is more than just an ABC. He is sb. who looks like us but yet very special. He is more than that. My midterms were a mess, and my finals will probably be the same. But I have started to look forward to next semester. Because maybe he will be our supervisor then, maybe we will be doing some logic then.
So far that's my progress.

Reason, season or a lifetime

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will konw what to do for each person. "
I felt "dark and twisted" inside earlier, and now I feel as if the sun is beaming on me. In a day, if u read my blog entries in a day, u will probably get the feeling that you have gone through winter to spring.
This afternoon, I read Anna's blog and saw the photos. Her smile is warm as usual. I found it pleasing to read hers and encouraged.
When I was in the common room, I met that hot floormate. She said she wanted to be my rmmate next semester. I felt quite flattered. I am afraid I am not good enough and she will be tired of me after a while. But anyway I am so glad she said that to me.
Hmm, I did sth. bad--naughty. I said to Vicky that her bf should be able to quit smoking for her. Well, it is not a joke, I meant it. She deserves better than a smoker. They had a fight. Norelle said they always have. I know, but I am responsible for that. This guilt is gone the next minute when I met my floormates downstairs. They waved to me in a high spirit. I couldn't help looking back, wondered whether they were doing that to sb. else. Hah, we stopped, talked for a while. I am quite lucky to have these floormates.
At the very beginning of the semester, I thought mix floor would be more interesting. Now I have changed my mind completely. I guess after all it is easier for me to like girls. Sometimes I even wonder what is my sexual orientation. Hah...
Don't be surprised that I am writing a lot these days. iBT is computer based and thus I am trying to get used to it. Efficiency depends on my typing speed.
BTW that sentence is sth I heard from my mp3s. Isn't it amazing?

Big Rocks

Last night, I fell asleep while waiting for the iTunes to import my CD. I made a plan to listen to whatever English materials I have, like the discovery audios, before my TOEFL. When I woke up, it was almost 11 p.m. I had a 'doze' for an hour! Then I grabbed my backpack, hurried to the barn to finish polishing my essay and clear all the compilation errors in my program.
I was still in a low mood at that time, which was just the right mood for my essay writing. I met Clara there. She was preparing for her Madarin presentation for today. I asked her whether she had done parts of the program. I was so dull that I couldn't held back my astonishment when she told me that she didn't even have her program assignment 3 work, let alone this assignment 6. Well, she seemed indifferent about my reaction and her not turning in assignments. After my essay was done and the program worked partially( excluding the empty list part) , I talked with Field. She is always a comfort for me. She is always there listening to my complaints and problems. What is more, she gives reasonable solutions. After the chat, I felt much better.
Around 2 a.m. I decided to go home, I mean the hall. As soon as I got out of the freezing barn, I experienced a chilly 'autumn' wind. ( I don't know it is autumn or winter) I turned up my coat collar against the chill wind and decided to try some unusual route. Crossing the lover's path, I tried to walk down the hill and back to the hall. In the middle I heard fiece dogs barking somewhere. Although it came from in a distance, it was still quite chilly especially when I was listening to the bizarra discovery program about bugs with weird background music. I felt as if the next minute some monster would jump out and my life was threatened. That thought pushed me back to the shortcut and I set off at a quicker trot.
When I was back to somewhere with lights on, I felt warmer. Maybe it was not because of the lights but the walk I had. Then the mp3 player was playing an article called the Big Rocks. I heard this paragraph:
The truth this illustration teaches us is if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Time with your loved ones, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these big rocks in first or you'll never get them in at all.
I got the idea that at this stage, my big rocks are definitely not my silly anxiety. I don't justify to waste my time on feeling bad or reminiscence. I had more and more ideas about the interview topic, internship every night once I lied down. But no matter how bad I did, I could not depress the button and rewind my tape. It doesn't make sense for me to think about it any more. Heh, I was quite aware of this actually, but I just couldn't get over it. It happens. When I made a mistake I couldn't help thinking about it again and again. That is not a positive attitude. I mean if I am not ganna fix it, do forget about it. This thoughts is just sand in my life. Going exchange is not a big deal and the most important thing in my life is... what I am still looking for. I probably would not get it before my time comes.
The "Enjoy your youth" is been abused and actually when I said it I didn't know what it meant. So, I don't mean it when I say it. I want to mean it, but just need some more time.
Wang Lei asked prof about her motto or favourite terms and prof asked about mine. I told them about my song for me to cheer up. I almost forgot about the song these days. Actually I had my motto: varieties fuel creativity. I am not gifted. But I can make it if I have enough practice. Therefore I found the scene when Burke told Cristina about being the best and most talented touching. You don't have to be the most talented to become the best. With more different experience, no matter bitter or sweet, I will mature. I might sound older or more concerned most of the time than my young friends. But there is not point for me to worry about being older! We are just not standing on the same starting line. I don't have to fake to make friends. I can just try to be myself. Hah, as a matter of fact, this is prof's motto. Simple and hard to achieve.
Well, I am writing this to remind myself--- don't make myself suffer because of those sands in my life. Oh, forgot to say, I heard a shocking article from my mp3s: If I have to choose between friends and dreams, I should always pick my dream. I used to think friends are the most valuable thing in my life, but what if the friend is a dream killer like those in the article? So, my point is I am not sure what the big rocks are any more, if they used to friends. Should I adopt that western style "egoism" or my old friend "altruism" ? Which is bigger or heavier?

Couldnt feel worse

I was finishing watching the Fight Or Flight of Grey's and Diana was back. She probably didn't notice, this time it was me who wiped away the tears. I don't know why they have to kill Denny. They wasted the heart! I probably will be sad because of this for several days. I mean the death of Denny. I am so impressed that Cristina and all the interns were fighting for each other. I thought she was quite competetive and kinda selfish. Despite all these flaws I still like her very much. Maybe because she is not my friend and I don't really know her. When all of them went to the chief and revealed their thoughts to him. The scene is beautiful. I have been thinking about friends. If I were Izzie, I would not agree to have my friends sacrifice for me. At the same time, I envy her. She has a bunch of good friends even though they are competitors. I wonder if I can be loved like that. Usually complaints can frighten friends away or make myself annoying. But in the show, they can. Well, I will probably get some advices like "Don't be paranoid" like what George said in that episode. But you know George didn't tell the truth, he was hiding. Amber said she didn't like it because Meredith had sex with him. I guess she kinda put that on Mer. But I think it doesn't make sense for George to be that angry. Like what he confessed in the end, he knew it but still wanted. Why shouldn't he be guilty? In this aspect, Mer is the victim.
Before I recovered from this mood, I revised my essay. To finish the last part, I have to read the book again. I feel so bad after reading it. It seems to me that the girl in the show deserves better man than that scholar HOU in the play. He couldn't make decisions himself. He just followed what others told him and he got beautiful wife and he got rescued. He didn't show his love enough. He was like attracted by her looks and did not really understand her. The real history is not like that. But her death is more pathetic and meaningless. I would like to write sth. to criticize him but my topic is about the fan. Anyway, it is done. I am exhuasted.
I had a problem getting sleep yesterday. Bad things kept coming to my mind. Rebecca said she could filter out the thoughts on them. Hmm, I just couldn't feel better. Well, no matter how bad I feel, I guess I have to move on. Time doesn't wait for me.

I missed my tripod

The trip to Macau was crazy. Some people died without ever tried to be crazy, that's more terrible. So, just enjoy my youth. BTW I could have taken better photos with my tripod!!
It sounds a bit superstitious if I say some supernatural power was trying to stop us from going to the tower. Hah, that's what Ivan said. We got on a bus from the temple and according to the sign it should take us to the Tower. But when we got off, we were in somewhere which was not Macau. We waited at the bus stop for some time and couldn't get on those crowded buses. Well, usually I would be very anxious and worried about wasting time. At that point, with Ivan, I think it's cool. Mm, maybe I was too tired to feel anxious. Both of us didn't sleep well the day before. We fell asleep on the way to Macau. When we finally got to the Tower, it turned out to be disappointed. The Japanese exhibition was not as good as I thought. And the sky was not clear enough to have a skywalk.
But it doesn't matter I have to go to the Tower anyway, because of the food festival. When it's getting dark, we went to the square of the food festival. Without knowing what's going on, a lady with a mic rushed to us. She asked me some questions in Madarin. Mm, it was kinda wired, she must come from some mainland TV channel. Whatever she asked, I could just say "cool". When I got what's happened, she's gone. Wakaka, if it is broadcasted, I must look stupid and miserable like those interviewees I saw on TV. Recalling this is kinda funny. We met a couple with a son in the festival. Macau people are talkive and welcoming. Heh, maybe because I told her we r from HK, she said Macau was a better place for a trip than mainland China, China's not safe. I was a bit embarrassed, because I am actually from mainland China as u know.
After the food festival, I filled my tummy with satisfation and emptied my pocket. We went for a walk along the coastline and walked to some Casino place. We had to save our money for the ferry ticket~~ I guess we were annoying coz we kept talking about how people lost everything on gambling behind those players. Well, in English of course. After that it was quite late the catch the last MTR. We decided to go to the castle which I always wanted to.(actually just heard about the day before) The castle was gorgeous. We just sat and talked on the balcony on the second floor without ordering anything. Nobody seemed to mind. This old castle now has turned into restaurant and hotel. Well, to spend a night here can be very expensive but u can choose to kill ur time like we did. We could have stayed for free though we ordered some drinks in the end. I enjoyed the atmosphere there. I guess Ivan was too tired to go on and me too. But I cannot sleep there like he did. I just feel insecure to sleep on the street or somewhere doesn't belong to somebody I know, hah!
Then we went on to spend last penny we could on food. My feet blistered. That was really painful. That's really silly. That morning I was on sports wear but then I saw my new dress which I didn't have any chances to put on. So I wore my dress and it goes with my sandals. So I decided to take a risk to travel with my stupid sandals. So at first when I felt the pain in my feet I didn't tell Ivan. We just kept walking and walking. After an hour or so, I gave in. I asked for a rest and he helped me with my backpack. I felt terriblely sorry, haha, coz he looked tired too. Fortunately I didn't give up the plan of visiting the lighthouse. Well I just wanted a picture of it. But we actually did some hiking and got to the top of the mountain. Well, I walked on my bare foot at first. It wasn't easy. The road was so coarse that it was quite painful to walk on. Then some morning person warned me of the pieces of glass and I had to put them on. When we finally got to the top, I wanted to cry. The lighthouse was in yellow color and shining. I thought of Quint Buchholz's story about a little boy in the seaside city. The lighthouse was blurred in the fog above the sea. Some animal was in the lighthouse. I found it fascinating and appealing. It captured my soul. Ever since then I am in love with lighthouses. There are other sweet stories about lighthouse though I am not really familiar with real lighthouses. But it was like we knew each other for a century. There were some cold cats and they welcomed me with their apathy stares. They must be some evil witches' souls. They caught the moth and bugs. That's quite scaring. We were staring at each other. After some while I gave in and fell asleep. When I woke up it was quite cold and dark and quiet. I ached all over. Slowly I dragged my tired feet along to the other side. Ivan was there sleeping. From this side I could see the whole city was waking up. Some parts of the city didn't sleep last night. I heard some music from a distance. But actually a lot of morning persons were doing morning excises down the terrace with music. They were not that far from us. But I felt peaceful, calm and isolated. It would be better if I could see the sunrise.
It was exhausted but worthy.

Analysis

I mean her presence didn't bother me that much before. Maybe it is because I didn't realize that she was around and there was somebody like that existed. I was trying to figure out what bothered me and triggered my concern. Then I recalled something unacceptable happened in high school. I kinda forgot. Perhaps I swallowed it. Anyway, I was hoping that it was an accident subconsciously. And my moral standard was above mean in high school and I could be very strict with people. So when I was asked why we were not close. It took me some time to collect my thoughts and analysize. I realized that it must be my fault to avoid sb.. And after all these are the past. I don't want to look back though. So I am writing this not to note down sb.'s 'shortcoming' but my thoughts about this.
Rebecca taught me to accept the fact that there are a lot of females who are living like this. I think they are extremely aware of people looking at them. They think highly of their own images and have hard time dealing with people's criticism. I mean everybody has some problem with criticism unless you are extremely self-conscious. But they will be more unhappy about that and cannot restrain their anger.
I am trying to state my observation and be more nuetual. But you know, I AM negative about this kind of character. In some cases, their high self awareness comes with dependence. They take it for granted that others should think the same way as they do and thus they should always say good things about them and take care of them.
My mum once said boys are obsessed by this kind, she meant for the dependence part. I didn't agree. I am confused now. Amber told me that boys always said girls were complicated and troublesome because they wanted to think it that way. She got this idea from an annoying male friend who always says things like that. Most important of all, the way he says it make us feel that he looks down upon females. But at the same time he might be attracted to this kind of females.
This is quite sad. I want to say I am not that complicated but then it seems that I am not amusing and pleasing. Now I believe it is not this kind of girls' fault. The society or the stronger group of the society imposed their wish on everybody. They were encouraged to do so when their characters were shaped. For example, when a girl was begging for something, her parents might think it cute and give her sth.. After she is satisfied and she realized that she is cute and will continue this stratege. My mum's little student took appearance and clothes for serious. She wanted people to praised her for her good looking face and say yes to whatever she asked for. I worried whether she would become too concerned about these things and would be lost. Well she turns out to be fine. I believe my mum doesn't care that much about these and more or less she has some impact on this little girl. Anyway this little girl seems more healthy and happier now. Old thoughts wish this world to be led by males. Thus dependent and weak females are welcome. This is not written somewhere but it is hinted and passed down generation by generation. I was told not to be too independent in order to get myself a husband, that I am alaways doubtful of. But when I look at Daniel's case, I have to agree. Nowadays the fairness is emphasized and a lot of people especially males are reluctant to admit that deep down, they are still thinking of a perfect world with men as parents.
Hah, do not freak out if you think I am saying something to the extreme. Being politically correct is not my goal anyway. I assume whoever is reading this is eithr my close friend or sb. I don't know at all. I am expressing my personal opinion generally, mean nothing abouot particular one. Sometimes when women are fighting for their right, men say they are asking for too much. When we cast our doubt about their fairness, they sound like they do have an open mind for this. Hmm, I know it is really hard to measure what is fair and unfair. I am aware of that there is no absolute fairness in this world.(now I sound like an old woman, but inside I feel as if I have been living for centuries sometimes)
I think I will learn to accept the fact. Their presence make the world diverse. Probably I will feel more comfortable after writing this and I might find it fun to be an observer. To be honest, at this point I am still not confident about being close to them. Give me more time~~~ hehe~~~

too ugly to be pretty

I listened to this song again and again. And I translated it into English... Though I dont even get some of it in Chinese, by guessing, I complete it.
The theme song of the fat girl show
BTW she is very slim again now...

(F)ELegance wins love more easily
Faces compete for eyes
But how can I change mine given by birth
My pride is drowned by crowd's laughter
(M)Falling in love for appearance is not what I want
Even though parentage becomes obstacle of love
Can I cut across the boundary,
Surprise others by being nice to you
(F)Odinary standard of beauty
(M)How can I weigh my happiness?
(F)One thousand tons
(M)As heavy as that
(F)Spreading out my hands
(M)Give me an affectionate hug
(F)I am not pretty by nature
But have you being understanding
When Ugly little duck is discarded
and running away and then is adopted
I am always living by myself
It is so precious to have you care for me
(M)There's no need for me to pick up the beautiful face
You are beautiful though you don't look pretty
No need to be the idol for ordinary people
Everybody has the right to be loved
(B)Close my eyes to be buried in meditation
(F)Who make you fall in love?
(M)Forget about the weight
(F)I am always being judged by my appearance
I am afraid of being refused by you
cruel remarks will cut me deeply
(M)My cares belong to you
There's always somebody to understand you
Let me embrace you
I'm obsessed by your special charm
(F)I don't know how to make myself look good
But I feel as if there're only two of us in this world
And I dont mind others' remarks
(M)Please release your burden
Your glittering heart has captured my soul
There can be thousand kinds of beauties
(B)Outsider will never get it
Who will be the best for me

LISTEN TO UR INNER VOICE

When I was having afternoon tea in LG7 on my own, Norelle's full of self-confidence image crossed my mind. I asked Eric to have afternoon tea together and he didnt answer directly. Then I knew he had sth else on his mind. From the heart, it was fine with me. I decided it's just too troublesome to have tea with somebody. If somebody doesn't want to have tea with me, I can live with that. I will just let it go. Unlike me, Norelle was mad at somebody when she asked him to have meal together but was kinda refused. Being turned down for her is quite unacceptable. I kinda felt it even back in the days when I was in high school. I didn't really know her. But maybe ever since I met her, she gave me that impression.
Well, it is not bad to have confidence. I don't have strong feeling against her. Maybe I wanna be like her--- to have self-confidence. But at the same time it is very hard for us to understand each other. Sometimes, she did wired things, at least they seemed wired for me. Ivan once said she was wired, but you know, people don't mean what they say. That's what boys like using on girls, but I think it is applicable to all human-beings. Don't deny it.
When I told Rebecca about Norelle. Rebecca said it was understandable. I'm so supprised at her because for Rebecca going out with boys should be wired enough, let alone... I don't know what she meant. But never mind. I'd like to think about the good side of everything. Norelle or Ivan will not be mad at me. Norelle needs sb. to go out with and Ivan will make a good companion. Ivan likes going out and Norelle is a cool one to go out with. They have no problem in communicating with each other. I am persuading myself that I did the right thing. Heh, wish them a good time.
Forget about Norelle and Ivan. I had a very sweet experience last night. The lovely GB girl on my floor said sth. sweet to me and made me sleep well. I do need this especially from nice girls. Sometimes, these words from sb. is more convincing than sb. else. I feel good when girls like me. It was my moto to entertain them. Though I broke my promise long ago. The day a girl said I hurt her and some of my friends I gave up myself. But this smester, some sweet girls on my floor light up the hope. I am still afraid of making Diana mad at me.
Hope my life is not a failure, not a mistake. I kinda feel down today when I checked the 271 paper. I thought I got the idea of the proof for correctness of the algorithm. But I got zero for the last question. It was a 15-point one!! TA said it should be okay for me to get above mean, but not a SD! It is not okay. Forget about the mean, SD... I should have done it correctly. This week's presentation was awful as well. The day I handed in programing assignment was the most terrible day I have ever had. Thinking of all these, the optimistic left me. I sat in the toilet, in my own 'critical section' reviewed what I have done so far. For Norelle and Ivan's sake, I did the right thing --- didnt go out with them. I imagine the worst things that could happen in my life. I lose my job and recieve an invitation to my BF's wedding on the same day. Hah, I will probably stay in my own 'critical section' and read some detective stories or write sth. in my blog. I will not share this with friends. Because I don't want to make them unhappy or worried about me. Maybe they don't know what to say and will be embarrassed. I understand that. Sometimes I need to do analysis to understand myself, let alone others. To avoid losing 'friends', share what I think they will like with them. Do not make their life hard...
When I was out of the critical section, I felt better. I wont say I have great pressure for life. But even if I do have, I won't kill myself when I am at low. I met a floormate who I dont like very much yesterday. She said bad things about mainland before she knew I was from mainland. She was giving incorrect information to the exchanges. But I didn't say anything to defend. I think words are too pale at this point. Maybe some day I will see people love each other, as if we all live in 'Love Actually is all around'. Can this be a reason why I won't kill myself?

There must be a way out

Yesterday I got the news about Felix which is quite sad. Norelle was upset. She kept saying she wanted a rich husband. I could just try to laugh at that. No matter what stage of life or what condition you are living in, you could be unsatisfied with it if you want to. I think it is up to yourself. For me, I was as happy as now when I was small and my family was poorer. Sometimes beautiful stuffs make me happy but I dont have to have them. Keeping them in mind is enough. I think Norelle is a bit worried about her future. The same here. I have the fear for my unknown future as well, as if my eyes are covered. I believe this is quite natural. However, no matter how hard life is, do not kill yourself because of that! I don't really know Felix, but Anna knows him. He used to live on 10th floor where I stay now.
Today is 1111, a day to feel lonely, though I dont want to. Rebecca is gone to camp now, wish her a good day. Ivan and I planned to go to Macau today but sth wrong with my program and I postponed our trip. I believe next week could be a better time. Hmm, I was thoughtless sometimes~~~

the luxurious weekend

After the midterm period, I lost my mood for study again. It was like a ballon. On Friday afternoon, my mind was undetermined. Ivan called on Thursday and Amber asked me out a week ago. I was a bit worried about my result for comp251. I was afraid that I might get a very bad result and ruin others' day. If I break up, I probably prefer staying alone. Heh, that came to my mind at that time. Ivan called on Friday before I got my result back. He rarely called me and I was a bit surprised. Dont remeber what I said to him now. But anyway I didnt go.(I thought it would be perfectly okay for Norelle to take him out, didnt expect her to fell bad that day) Later, the result came and it was okay. Then I decided to go out with Amber. It might be a bad idea. I spent a lot of money!!! It was the first time I spent more than 800 in a day, in 3 hours!!! The next day I went out with Rebecca because it was a nice day. What is more, I have got my cosmetics and I'd like to try them on. Late that night, I still had had nothing done so far and thus I decided to enjoy my youth~~~ I had a walk with Ivan. We went out to have a dessert and when we were back it was past the midnight. We walked to his 'secret' site. From the ground floor we could hear the music already. It was a group of MBA students having party and they invited us. So we went. I guess they were drunk. A lot of embarrassing questions were raised. If they are my close friends, I think it would be fine. Ivan drank a little bit and he blushed. Well the area around my eyes became red as well. That wine was tasty and I couldnt help drinking! The next Monday on my way to lab, I met that playboy and SA cute one. They opened the door for me and asked whether I remembered them. Of course I remember. It was not me who got drunk. Later when I went to LG1 I saw that playboy again! After interviewing my cousin and meeting these people, I kinda want to study business. It seems that they are all enjoying their youth!

TOEFL

I handed in the exchange application form. I dont think there's much hope for me because the competition is more tense this year. Well, just give it a try. I applied and paid the TOEFL yesterday. Unfortunately, there's no vacancies in HK!!! I have to go to Macau instead!! And it is DEC 1st!!! I hope the result will be delivered in time (before 29th).
my current list:
Washington
UCSD
UIUC
RICE
Michigan
UCSB
UCDavis
Toronto
Warwrick
Probably I will visit Macau on DEC 2nd~~ Rebecca suggested me to ask Ivan to go. Mmm that was on my mind too! She said it would be safer to travel with sb. Hah... but he is a zombie~~
BTW I got a beautiful postcard from Anna. I read her blog and I think I miss her. Hmm, maybe the past two weeks i was too busy to miss anyone.

Zombie doesnt sleep, but naps

less than 5 hours
I call them naps~~~
271 review notes:
*insertion sort O(n^2) fast when data size small
*MCS problems
i, brute-force -- for each pair of V(i,j) (i<=j) return max val O(n^3)
ii, reuse data -- V(i,j) = V(i, j-1)+A[j] O(n^2)
iii, divide and conquer -- MCS(A, i, floor((i+j)/2)), MCS(A, floor((i+j)/2)+1,j), find MCS contains both A[floor(i+j)/2)], A[floor(i+j)/2+1] return the max of the three O(nlogn)
*Polynomial Multiplication problem
i, brute force A(x)B(x) O(n^2)
ii, D&C (1) A0B0 A0B1 A1B0 A1B1 sum
D&C (2) (A0+A1)(B0+B1)(1) A0B0(2) A1B1(3) (2)+[(1)-(2)+(3)]^floor(n/2)+(3)^2floor(n/2)
*Partition(A, p, r) A[r] pivot, A[p..r] into 2 subarrays O(r-p)
*Randomized-partition
Randomized-quicksort

Good bye, great grandma

Great grandma passed away. She waited until my mum arrived. She finally could have a rest after whole life's working. She traveled more this year, maybe she knew it. I felt so bad that I didn't talk a lot with her last time. I felt terribly sorry that last time I was so selfish. Mum said great grandma wouldn't mind. I know that, but I do mind. Last night, after 2 hours' programming ( from 1am to 3 am ), when I finally lied down. That sad feeling attacked me. Tears kept running down my face. I know tears wouldnt help, but couldnt stop. I am a bad daughter, bad great grand daughter. I could say "I like you very much" sometimes directly to my friends, but not my family. I am proud of my great grandma for her healthy long life and I hope she was proud of me. Maybe I don't deserve it. I cried towards the wall and was tired after a while. Then I fell asleep. My grandpa will live on his own. But I know he will be okay. He always has some girlfriends. I don't remeber any word from my grandma now. She had a lot of stories but I didn't ask. Maybe it was the gap. Sometimes I found it hard to make me understood. In her last days, I went to the hospital and talked to her. She was still conscious. I sang a song and I don't what I sang now. Both of us missed some important moment in our lives. She missed my mum's childhood and maybe she was absent from mum's whole life. I missed a life with a grandma. That's why I sometimes I cannot understand Amber or Rebecca's strong tie with their great grandparents. Amber flew back to Si Chuan a lot despite the expensive travel fee. She went back twice this summer. My grandpa lives so near to my city but I didn't go back. I know my dad will probably wish me going back to his hometown. But the same, I just wouldnt enjoy it as much as he does.
Diana was a little bit upset sometimes. I wanted to comfort her but I am afraid it was inappropriate for her culture. Yesterday it was her country's presendential election. She was so nervous about it. China is so big and sometimes I do think that who is the leader won't make a big difference. Maybe I was wrong. Today I felt a bit more emotional than usual. When I was watching the news from the Phoenix Satellite TV, I was moved several times. Even the rat race touched me. Somebody might say it is a girl's thing. Girls are more emotional generally. I don't want to say that, but maybe it is true. Boys were taught to be strong and not to show thier emotion. Neo said he wouldn't cry in front of people. I agreed. I didnt cry in front of anyone by then. But these days, it came to my mind. I believe if you are unhappy maybe you should just do whatever you want. You wanna cry then just do it. I can be classified as very emotional by indulging myself like this. As long as I feel comfortable, why not? Why must I follow the rules instead if breaking them?
I talked to Daniel on the phone last night. When I have acdemic problem I talk with Neo. I found it very comforting to talk with Neo. He sounds so real and understanding. At this point I do miss Neo, though we were not close. I will miss my great grandma occasionally. Maybe every autumn in the rest of my life. Or maybe her image will fade away after some years. But I still think of my dear uncle whenever I see his favourite flowers.
Good bye my dear great grandma. I hope I will qualify to be a good girl by the end of ... some day...

Autum (cont)

For Chinese scholars in the old times, autumn indeed was a sad time. For the single ladies or the widows it was time for them to feel sad or sorry for themselves and for thier time. The fallen leaves, the running water and etc, these all reminded some young wives of their misfortunate and loneliness. They had been waiting for thier husband who went to the battle field right after their marriage year after year. It was hard to hear from thier husbands. They projected their solitude on everything. What made autumn so special and popular for this kind of emotion? My own opinion is originally it is the season for harvest and family re-union. Everybody else was celebrating and cheerful. Others' happiness contrasted these women's sad situation. They tended to feel more emotional and miserable than usual. The sad feeling for spring is another case, yet also popular. Spring has a traditional meaning for young single lady's sexual desire. I am impressed that back in that conservative time people were actually willing to write these down in thier peoms, articles, dramas and etc. Especially in Yuan dynasty, which was at least among those darkest time for scholars, they felt left behind and expelled from the central society like the prostitutes did. Thanks to this not highly developed culture of Mongolian, they had more freedom to express themselves in different forms. ALthough they were not preserved well, from their work remained, we found a lot of talented, knowledgable prostitutes' images. But they were different from the prostitutes we refer to today. Usually, these ladies were more like a lady from a respectful family. They were supposed to know how to draw, write a peom, play instrument, dance, sing and play chess. That is kinda goddish! In fact, even in premodern period of China, prostitutes were good at writing articles. Reading their love letters, u might think that's from some female scholars or writers. I'm afraid I cannot go farther into this phenomen. I believe this unique relationship between scholars and prostitutes was built upon historical and culture ideological elements.

Autumn

Mum's grandma is in hospital. The doctor said it could be her last few days and she would be gone any time. We have to accept that since she is in her 90s. My great grandma was a maid in some rich family and my great grandpa fell in love with her. He earned enough money to buy her freedom and they got married eventually. Great grandpa passed away when I was in Senior 2. During that autumn break of the semester while I was on a trip. I got the news from mum's phone call. That was quite unexpected. Though he couldnt recognize me the last time I went back, still I heard he could take care of himself most of the time. I thought he could live to 100 years old. Now comes the autumn of 2006. I actually like this season for the breeze. I remember the evenings lying on bed reading. I usually kept the window of my room open and felt the embrace of the northern wind. With the door shut, I was in my own space but talking to the outside through books, and of course my phone. But maybe this is the sad time of the year for somebody. When it gets cooler, old people might have health problem. Though my great grandma's illness has nothing to do with the season. Mum said her grandma was quite strick with her and she didnt feel at home. Her father and mother were rarely at home and she had to take care of herself. I am surprised that my mum is not that rebellious but instead quite tender. It is hard to get her jealous or angry. Maybe that's great grandma's work. After all life is not easy without directions. When you are in darkness you have to trust your sense, have to trust something or sb. Great grandma influlenced my mum in some way, I believe. Autumn for me is the beginning of different stages of life. Because it is time for new school years. So far my life is pretty much school life. When I was in the bookstore buying pens and notebooks yesterday, it brought me back to high school. I always enjoy stationaries with fine qualities. I love them and they gave me strength and satisfatory. The ownership for me is like an achievement. It was quite a pleasing experience-- shopping. I remember I had feelings for some guy. After a while, when the cloud and mist of puppet love faded away, instead of a stormy teenage life, I found way out. I hope I can have "true love" like my great grandparents. Thier love last through thier life time. I don't expect to be that lucky. I am sure great grandma would like to stay with us. She planned to travel more next year. Hey, Joe, you can take her after she's traveled through the country. What do you think?

My heart is broken

I was told that after all the time I contributed so much, I was not actually on board. I was fooled. They all sent me emails to ask me to stay. I wish it was just a misunderstanding. I know there is sth. wrong but I can just let it be instead of asking why. Imagine how can u ask sb not on board to turn in fee and contribut her time and effort? How can you ask me why the position is that important? It is not that important for me, I think they have no right to judge that or quest that. It is my own right to ask for a position. Yet Haze came with some cakes, I knew she actually was responsible to these. It was her who asked me to join and she didnt tell me anything about being a helper. I guess if Charles had that misunderstanding about me(I was willing to work as a volunteer), there must be sb who told him so. I hope there was nobody who tried to take advantage of me. From my point of view, most of her concerns were about herself which is understandable for human being is tend to be selfish. I was angry honestly but didnt show. I know there r some innocent people got involved and some students have heard about my dealing with them. They like my work and I should be responsible. I don't want to be selfish. Well maybe that's why I was in delimma. Thanks to Rebecca, Daniel and Amber for their supporting. Thanks to Ivan, talking with him is quite comforting. Thanks to all those friends who care about me. I told them I wish to continue to work with them as long as I am part of the club. Yes, I have my pride. This time they did break my heart.
Good news, Ivan said he would go to SZ with me. Of course Rebecca will go too. It will make both sides easier. I was silly to tell him the truth. But I know there is nothing really serious and besides I don't want to lie to him. I won't lie to my dear friends. My parents were quite open in fact, this time was an accident and my fault. Anyway it is solved.

Late Feast

Coz I insisted, we watched the Banquet at 00:00. It was a late feast. I enjoyed the environment and atmosphere except the temperature. The most taouching scene for me is when the Emperor Guards killed themselves. They died in glory and acted responsiblely. It is unlikely for them to judge what is the right thing to do, I mean to support which party. Therefore we cannot blame them for killing the actors with the Prince. There r some flaws in the movie as almost every other movie. I knew it was hard to satisfy me by the story. I am picky about stories and especially recent year's trend. They tried to make the movie more like an illusion or dream. They tried to blur the reality elements. Maybe that's why I found it hard to feel contented about those huge budget and popular ones. However, I did enjoy the music, dancing and some lines. Hmm, I cannot recall any though. I was reading the English subtitles when I heard sth I liked, coz I wanted to know whether the translation captured the beauty and meaning of the Chinese version or not. The funny thing is Ivan's rmmate actually watched the movie that evening. They had some discussion about who killed the queen. If it is a Chinese version of Hamlet, it must be the Prince then. Maybe that's how his rmmate held his point. Ivan said it might be the guy who sold the poison to the queen. Hmm, I think he is not important as a person. He is a message to highlight the theme. After that line, his job is done.
Today I wear a suit which I got from Rebecca's rmmate and a shirt from Rebecca. I like them. And I had some make-up. I had a quick tutorial by Haze. I borrowed some cosmetics as well. Heh, today the huma prof said I was pretty today... And two gentlemen opened the door for me... Haha A little embarrassed to say this... But that's a record... First time in suit and with make-up. wakaka~~~

Wanna be a storyteller? I am not a good one though.

I feel guilty again. Several times per semester I had that feeling. Today I didn't finish my plan. From the afternoon everything went wrong. No, I mean it is just my feeling. Then sb bothered me a lot during the T. I know he is not that bad, but I had no mood for his talks. Then I wanted to talk to sb. but actually there was nothing to say and no one to turn to. A friend showed up but he was more miserable than I was. What was I supposed to do? Right, I could only listen to him and swallowed my painful plain boring long story. I tried to make the namecards. But I had no idea what I could do with them!!! No inspirations. Then right before I was about to read sth, my rmmate was back. She was very tired and went to sleep later. I moved to the common room in the hope that sb would stop by and talk with me. But then we can only have small talks. Amber came in and I found it hard to describe my feeling to her. Coz I know she is having some tough days and I give up storytelling. We watched the movie Double Pupils. We talked duing it and we missed a lot. I don't really get the ending~~ What is the point? This afternoon I watched a Singapore one with Ivan, I can tell they were trying to say sth. to the government. He was laughing all the time. I felt different with different culture backgrounds. Heh I guess even if he is aware of the message he will laugh at it anyway. Like I said it is very healthy to laugh or smile. He is aware of it and he is sb who is going to be a doctor. I recalled the happiest time for today then. ( I am surprised it was not the hours spent with Ivan... I mean it was as fun as it was.) It was the hour when I was having brunch in LG7. Though I wasnt able to get my favourite set, I saw the news report on TV. Well, I dont mean to laugh at others' pain, but it was funny and I was glad that they have the courage to make a step. I wouldnt say it is a leap for it is similar as what they did in the council. I think some demonstrations against corruption in mainland China probably will destroy the country. You won't understand the tradition without any culture or history background. Unlike a lot of countries, China has the tradition of rebels and handover of regimes/dynasties. I mean in the past 5000 years she went through a lot of wars and conflicts, large scale and also locally. Nowadays the problem if not becomes more and more severe, at least hasnt been solved. However, imagine to have a large scale of demonstration all over the country, what will happen? My prediction is the government will use the army to surpress it and make our foreign relationship worse. Coz they have been waiting for this since 1989 and how can they miss it? At first they will propose some sactions and then ask the UN to chagne China's position on the committee. Well, maybe they will not start a war on us coz they know we have nuclear weapons. But they thought Iraq had, did they? I am not worrying about the regime or how people will see us, but the innocent people... I won't see all US people evil, even if they declare wars against some random countries or they shoot some innocent people. I personally think the regime is responsible for their dealings but not the nation or people. Mm, what is a nation? Again it is hard to define. I am farther and farther away from my original point... sorry. You see, I am a bad one. Anyway, I care about people generally. It doesnt worry me that much at this point if Taiwan people want to be independent. Actually it never worried me in the past. I was afraid if they harrassed the mainland government there might be a war. I thought it was very unlikely for mainland government to start it, but I cannot ignore the possibilty. I know it is hard to ask for loyalty from another group of people with different values and backgrounds. But the fact is they will love u and be loyal to u if you are strong and powerful enough. It seems to me that it can be applied to all animals. That's the way we survive. MMm, I am more and more depressing. The world is not perfect.
I like Crissy's line" Every second you waste is candy out of my mouth" the world is not ideal even in her mind but she "fights" for her candies.

exchange

Today we've got the email about exchange program. We list all the possible ones we'd like to go. (according to avaliable schools and rank about CS)
UIUC (Neo)
Washington, Seattle
UCLA (Joseph)
RICE
USC (but very expensive to live there i guess)
Michigan (Ariel)
UC San Diago (Dekai graduated from there)
UPen
GIT (our dear Anna)
Then I must take the TOFEL this semester then, no more excuses. Heh, I had the feeling that the TOFEL thing is coming this morning and I have the word book in my backpack today~~ I hope I can go exchange with Rebecca coz we will do the FYP together.
AHHHH! New problem: Rebecca's code is COMP397H, which is an individual thesis, mine is a project~~~ We cannot work together~~~
this is the timetable for this semester(253 is what I audit)

Life is senseless without friends

Rebecca got sick last weekend, so did Ivan. She caught a cold per semester on average and I am not surprised this time. Ivan, though he never looks awake, I thought it was his nature. I thought he was stronger. Heh, he argued that it was the food he had. Anyway, I thought I should take care of these two little things. I cooked some conjee for them~~~ I am not confident in my cooking actually, I tried. It wasn't as funny or easy as I thought. It became a problem for me as selecting the ingredients after two meals got harder. I know they are not picky but it is boring to have the same thing for meal, right? Luckily Ivan was feeling better on Sunday. Mm, our plan was to go to the wetland park on Sat. Well, maybe it is better this way, then next time we can ask Rebecca, Daniel to go together.
Ivan said 'drama' was a girls' thing. I donnu. I guess boys also have that. My charater shaped mostly during the years in junior high. Some failures turned me into the way I am now, which is very sad. I don't care about how people see me if I don't care about that person. However, I do care about how my friends feel. Yes, sometimes I spent too much time on considering them. Being thoughtful in fact is not my nature. At this point I might agree with Ivan and Rebecca's theory of names. They both believe that personalities have sth to do with names. Well, I agree to some extents. I think when people call you by your name, they have already put the meaning behind it into consideration. For instance, if you have a girly name, they will be more gentlemanlike to you. My Chinese name sounds very masculine but looks neutral. I didn't have girls' toys in my childhood and I got on well with some boys. I had a lot of female friends. Thanks to my name~~~ Some girls' parents had been worrying that their girls were too close to me. They didn't stop worrying until they met me. BTW why should we worry about this? Making friends with boys or girls matters that much? I like my friends even if they become transexuals. Hmm, maybe not really. I should say those friends who care about me. I love them. When I was upset Rebecca was always there for me and I had very engaging talks with Amber. Yin gave me a lot of encouragement. I can live it, if they have to step out of my life anyhow. I understand that People change but those sweet memories will stay in my mind forever. I am a little bit .
pessimistic about friendship. I think life-long friendship is sth very rare. I am not expecting life-long but the moments. Without them, without those moments, life will be senselessBTW, marshmallows r nice with fillings~~~ Rebecca said marshmallow sounds like mashimaro. I think they look alike~~~

Beauty Club

These days I stayed up late~~~ I finished my part of the design for Beauty Club but every time I finished the draft I always had sth to add to or polished it. I am never satisfied with my own work after a while. The first night I did the logos by 1 am and then I asked for Rachel's opinion. I thought she was not very fond of me and therefore she would tell me the truth directly without too many concern of hurting my feelings~~ Heh, she did say it out directly. Well, I don't care for that's what I expected. Then I modified it up to 4 am~~!! I wasn't satisfied but I knew I had to go to bed. (BTW I think she is a great help, I need it and she is a business student!)
Last night, Daniel came and we cooked together. We haven't had long talks since the new semester. I guess we should have had a bottle of wine to celebrate his new relationship. Mmm, maybe not. It is not a favourable relationship among his friends. I just heard the story from him and therefore I can say nothing about it. What I can do is to support him without reasons. It wasn't easy for any relationship without support~~ Around 9 we were about to do some study, Diana came and said her friends were coming to watch a movie. Then I phoned Ivan in the hope that his rmmate was out again. Heh, he didn't answer the phone. To my surprise I saw him with Rachel downstairs in the seafront! Rachel looked like the phoenix in my mind. Maybe it's her eyes. Anyway I went to the hall 2 quiet study room to study with Daniel. Heh on the way I met the other Ivan~~ They were going to hold a party for CSIEs and asked me if I would like to go. Mmm I did need to do the readings. Hall 2 has a very small study room! I could hear the baby in manager's room crying. When it comes to babies, yesterday afternoon, when we were in the lift to LG5, we saw a baby with her grandparents. She was crying. Then I said hi to her as I usually did. She stopped crying! Then she called me Mummy! OMG! Do I look like her mother? Daniel said she liked me~~ I hope so. Actually I AM a friendly stranger.

My passion for study

Last night I watched the Lake House. I heard that it was adapted from a Korean movie and the Korean one wasn't too good. But this one had two of my favourite players (Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock) in it. After some years they cooperated again and it is all I wanted to see after finished watching the Speed. I went to bed late again! This morning when I woke up it was almost 12.
I like this weather. My clothes for autumn were anxious to get out of the cupboard. Yes, they need some fresh air and probably some breeze. Can weather be my excuse? So you see, I had lang206 only. After that I went to the print shop to bind my reading materials for Huma253. It is as thick as a book! Then I looked around in the book store. I need my passion for study back. New notebooks always help. But today's decision took me some time for I knew it was too dear to own a Campus NOTEBOOK. For the B5 one, $56! But it looks so good! Finally my evil side won! Now I guess it is time to start writing sth on it. Come, come back, my passion for study!

YuYu

In Hall 2 floor 4 I met Yu Yu today. He asked whether I lived there and I said, "No, just visiting a friend." The first time I knew Yu Yu was in Huma099F tutorial. At that time I thought he was annoying and liked showing off. But I tried not to be some judgemental and be nuetual. It proved me right. First impressions are decieving sometimes. Actually some girls didn't like him and said he was too talktive. Well, I guess my personality is, the more you tell me about sb. the more I try not to listen to you. (Paradoxically, I like tellling others stories~~) If you tell me sth bad about sb I probably will not believe you until I see it myself. He got some credits when we were on the Nature Club's trip. Then I heard about his performance in language course. I believe that can be the instructor's headache but on the other hand you do need sb like this to break the ice. Last semester the Band society held a concert and it was a big event. His band gave a very good performance! It stroke me and I was obssessed. His voice is deep and he can sing to very high key. Then I heard about his determination to be a good singer. I don't know how many percent of the story is true but I can tell from his performance. I was in the Huma200T class and was not that surprised to see him there. I hope to know more about him but unfortunately I have to drop this course. Well, he lives on the 4 floor, 411, does that mean I can find some excuse and drop in? I wish to hear the whole story from the person himself. Hmm, to be a storyteller is not bad rihgt? But if I were a storyteller and I always tell you the story about nice people, wont you be tired of my stories? Perhaps you need some evil stories? Don't deny it, your subconscious may have will to take risk and the evil stories can fulfill your need. Even those religious people sometimes have dangerous interest~~ My theory. heh~~

First week

We met some middle age and he told me he had lost 3 important things in his life. It was depressing and I know no word can comfort him. We saw a lot of homeless cats. Ivan said it was their home. This afternoon when I got up, it was rainging outside. It becomes cooler. I miss autumn. Why? Yes, we have long holidays in autumn. Well, they come with midterms. Yesterday, when I was in the library. They talked about midterms. I didn't really want to know the exact time for midterms. They seem far from now. But I heard them, I couldn't avoid them.
Daniel is back in SZ now, I knew it. I don't think we can continue with that study group and maybe I should find a quiet place and stay away from the crowd. Can I?
Ivan wanted to buy sth for school. And he asked me whether Rebecca would like to go. Haha, I think they two can hang out together sometimes. I don't think it is so hard as she said to go out with boys. It will be no problem I guess, if she goes out with Ivan. It must be fun. So I phoned her and asked whether she could take him there( hope she knows the way, but anyway she is a smart girl and what she need is independence.) He asked whether she knew the way and she sounded relutant to do that on her own. But I will not give in anyway. I hate odd numbers! I am afraid of being singled out. Now it is Saturday. I don't know what I have done so far. I didn't ask Feynman coz I think he needs some time to do study. Hope I made the right decision and wish them a good time.
-------------------------------------
I phoned them just now and I actually didn't need to worry about them. They are shopping now. But I they didn't like shopping~~ People surprise you sometimes. I am watching the special feature for Phantom of the Opera. I didn't like phantom very much before. But after I watched the scene of No One Would Listen. I saw his solitude and sorrow. I don't know if it is I project mine on him or it is Webber's. It is said that it was his love for Sarah. He wanted to rise up and reach the world. What is the world for him? She can complete his world, can't she? I just cannot imagine if there is someone like that can complete mine. I need something else. The echo deep down to be heard, and answers I look for through my life be answer, sth like these. I doubted if Cathy's way is good for Feynman, but maybe she is right. I can say nothing about that for I am confused about my own future. It is misty. I start to understand Ivan's dislike of meeting acquaintances all the time, for me, especially my classmates.
Life is not easy, so I nap

the Siamese cat

Very sad, I am that cat. Today I met the girl in library who we knew each other from the western short stories' lecture. She said she was in year 0. I was surprised because she looked very local. Then she denied it at once and I can tell that she was afraid to be catogorized as a mainland student. Then I ask" Do you think I am one? " She said no immediately and I surprised her by saying "Indeed I am!" I didn't kill any zebras I hope. I haven't really formed my social circle of cats unfortunately. I want some cats who can joke with me and have serious talk with me. I don't want to be a cat frighten zbras or have a lot of zebras who don't understand me at all. Well then I know that we are all unique! No cat can really understand me, right?
Rebecca's way of persuading me to do sth. is quite simple and I still will follow her advise. I am in the Huma253 now, despite the fact that I hate memorizing facts, names, places. But I do like this professor! I like his soft way of telling stories. Sb talks in a low voice but that doesn't mean he or she speaks softly. I like those voices which we can all hear and yet are gentle. Well it is not hard to be soft and make us all hear him. Prof has mic! He talked about some dynasties. About the ban on seafaring. I feel very sad about that. What if a Siamese cat one day wanted to see his hometown? He had no other choices just because of this powerful country didn't allow him to return. Before I went to the lecture, I got the play of Peach Blossom Fan. The selection we were required to read is one of my favourites. For me it is more than ruins of their yesterday's pleasure-houses; it is more than death bodies and people of starvation!
" I　came to the old pleasure-house,
no need to knock,
no fear for dogs.
A dried-up well, an abandoned nest,
moss-covered tiles, the steps sprouting weeds..."
Translation makes it plain. You can still feel what the transaction of regimes and wars bring to people. It was truly magnificent, but it brought you tears. A scholar of the previous dynasty must have felt very repulsed against the new one. They had identity difficulties as the cat had. They probably would be killed if they didn't follow the new dynasty's decisions. For them, it was no more freedom not even in their dreams. BTW, when the prof refered Taiwan as SE Asia, a girl raised her hand and seemed to be angry about that and the prof had to explain it was geographically defined. Come on, I mean it is history! Mmm, I hope China can have Taiwan but I know it is like love. If she doesn't like you, marriage doesn't count! Having approval from others dosnt mean a lot to me.
I believe that we are looking for a better world and we are trying to make a better one. I understand that holding different positions in this world will lead to different conclusions! Heh, I am worrying about the rest of the world again! I haven't read anything about the middle east or Bush administration. I guess I am just not strong enough to face the reality

Awkward Feeling

Before the semester began, I had had already been thinking about my future a lot. It seemed no way out for me. I would say I still don't know what to do and what I want to be. That won't be easy for me and I do need some time. But then I kinda ran away from it. I tried to avoid it by going out with Ivan and avoid thinking about it. Last night when we had dinner together with Rachel, Diana and Rebecca, sth. terrible happened which made me sleepless. I've never been really bad about anyone! But my rmmate asked me whether I liked Rachel or not. On our way back, Rebecca had a serious talk with me. She said I cared too much about Ivan, that made Diana misunderstand me. I know her concern. She doesnt want me to get hurt and she is afraid that I might fall in love with him. Well, I feel awkward that she said these to me. It is horrible! I guess it is hard for us to understand each other. I am always independent and she seems always dependent. I had male friends and she said she never really talked with them. She didn't understand my jokes sometimes, but even Ivan would say 'that's funny' (Maybe he said so just to be nice, but against his own will) Maybe I am selfish and childish. My jokes r awful and boring... Anyway, I've been with Eric a lot and she didn't think it that way. Maybe she wanted me to keep some distance with Ivan. Yes, I know. After he's back I will feel empty. I remember this feeling. My uncle was with us for several months when we were in Canton, after he moved to the States, I had a hard time to get used to it, even though we weren't that close. But if I avoid Ivan because of self protection, that will be worse for me. It is against my moral standard. I guess I want to be a tour guide! I showed her around in Canton, not because I wanted to but I needed to. Most of the time it is more like responsibility than friendship for me to ask her out. It is horrible, isnt it? What about Ivan? For me going out with him is generally fun! I don't really need to worry about him. But she said it's time for him to make new friends and he got on well with a lot of people, not just me. It sounded like I am preventing him from making new friends. (I know she probably meant sth else nicer, but I AM selfish.) I think it is the same as I with Rebecca. We always stayed together. I don't have a lot of local friends and she doesn't know Cantonese. Shall I give her some space and myself some? I was sleepless though I was really tired about these. Then I phoned Eric. I knew he wouldn't sleep until later. He came to my room and it was already a comfort. We talked and I felt better. I knew I had some pressure when I was with Eric, but most of the time I don't feel it. It is like the atmospheric pressure around us. I dont feel it most of the time. I failed the course FRIENDSHIP001~~~ I messed up.

Adventure

I guess I am born adventurer. I am willing to take risk, well some risks. Last night we dined out again in Sai Gong. It was fun but I had too much. Then we went for a walk along the coast line. I thought it would be okay for us to stay until midnight since there would be bus running all night. But then after we got off at the prison stop and later I found out that the buses were usually full when they reached this stop. After half an hour's internal struggling, we decided to walk back. I didn't want to do it at first for my buddy's sake. For he looked really tired.
On the way back we met at least two ladies walking on their own and we started making things up. Maybe we were tired and didn't really know what we were talking about. When we were almost there, I thought of my bed though it isnt as nice as mine at home. I thought when I was back at dorm my rmmate would probably be asleep with her tummy facing the bed and I would take off everything and fall asleep soon. Heh. I did.
I have been thinking of Ivan's idea of smart guys and smart jobs. I am sure it still worths it if no matter how hard I work I cannot get very high score in the class. Nobody can be good at everything, can they? We should not be shameful or guilty about Hardworking. Instead I will be happy with no matter what the result is because at least I tried. but then this HUMA200T is too much for me. Only 11 students enrolled including myself. I don't know if I can survive. It seems too risky for me and I can hardly take it as an adventure. I went to Ivan's HUMA230 and it seems to be my last chance. I've dropped the 100 level one coz I don't really need many below 200. Well I enjoy reading stories in general. However, concerning my grade, interest and ability are not compatible sometimes. I heard some native speakers in the class. I don't expect to win but can I show my ideas and intellengence? Will my voice be heard? I wonder. Besides I feel guilty to drop the 200 one for the prof has regconized me and I enjoy classical dramas anyway.
Today's OS course is fun as the first one. I like this prof and maybe I will begin to like OS more. COMP271 wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I like puzzles and that's why I don't hate it generally. So far the math144 is the only one I dislike. Rebecca and I wanted to swap but then we were told that the other one was even worse, at least no better. I can live with it then, yes, I have to. I am looking forward to my dearest DK's lecture!!! I miss him! We like him a lot. Ivan asked why. Well, the fact is he is cool, both as a prof and as a man! Listening to his lecture is like watching a wonderful movie. Yes, I am emotional, instead of logical.
P.S.
Just now I had a nap in the lab. I had a bad dream. My dad was shouting at me and it was so real... Well, actually he is nice most of the time but I am afraid that all of a sudden he is mad about me... I guess more than once I had this kind of dream...

REBORN

I abandoned my Chinese blog on MSN space. Not because of their recent change of interface but my own decision. I was told that I wrote too much on serious topics which they are not interested in and would keep my parents worrying about me. Since this blog is still undiscovered by most of the people and kinda underground, I will write here. It is my new baby now~~~
This summer I went to the UK and it was fun. I can kept talking about it forever but I have to carry on.(I wrote a long one about it in my Chinese blog) The reality is I was back after 2 weeks and started my summer course. At first I didn't pay enough attention to it and thus didnt do well enough. But anyway I made up finally.
I've got a buddy at last. Last year when I applied, it was too late. Now I am so happy that I have this buddy, Ivan. I cannot say we understand each other well but we get on well. I really like him and miss him already. I can have a lot of friends but still be lonely. When we are together talking, I feel comfortable and relaxed. Well, sometimes I am at a loss, thanks to my poor English... Heh --b||... Last night we walked to the BBQ site and saw that group of exchange students. I told him that he was like an outsider, Mac among those Windows, quoted from his word. I am Linux, open source, free and user friendly. Maybe it is hard to get along well with me at first. I feel awkward whenever I am among the crowd or in parties. I will be very quiet if I hang out with more than 4 people. Cannot stand the noise and wasting time on waiting for each other. BTW I guess we enjoy the nature and views. But he wants to see all the famous cities. I would like to visit all the forest, national parks, etc. We are meeting our Rachel tomorrow. I am eager to meet her! She is a mystery for us! Another Rebecca from what I heard, but more talkive. I think we will become good friends. I will live in the shadow of Rebecca forever, Haha! Just kidding! I hope she doesnt mind that I told her about the movie Rebecca. I shouldn't have told her, but you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sooner or later I will say it. However, sometimes I do understand the heroine's feelings. Maybe that's an explaination of why I am lonely, sometimes.
That's almost it up to now

Grey's Anatomy

You wont believe this,Ｉhad a fairly good sleep last night, waking up this morning with the beautiful dream about having a dog, but then I felt horrible after that early morning shower. I decided to skip classes. SO I DID. I kept drinking water, eating my prunes, actually every time I felt sick about study, about my life, I ate them. And what else, I watched all the Grey's Anatomy that I have! Crazy! Just now, I finished eating the whole can and watching all the 15 episodes! In fact, I enjoy this life. I knew I was actuaclly ruining my life, but at the same time, I couldnt help thinking that as a gift! When you get sick, it is a gift for you to relax. The dirty truth is that I was and am relaxing the 365 days! I abused it. I wonder if I'd ever felt nervous or guilty, yes, I had, the moment before I get my bad result. I am healthy relatively, compared to those sick people, in Grey, what else should I ask? I have extra money for cinema, of course, parents pay that; I can eat some snacks if I want; I have some really good friends; I am wearing the clothes I choose, not that getting from others. I am grateful and totally contented with my life. Truely! Some religious people think people like me without a faith dont know how to be grateful or what satisfaction is. The fact is I do. But just dont see the same sin they think I have. But what I did today, I consider as a sin. Why I enjoying my mistake? Some great thinker said thousands years ago that tragedy had the power to attract people. I do believe two opposite extremes go very close together. The more you love sb., sometimes could be the truth that the more you wanted to kill him. The more I abused my privilige, the more I feel innocent and released. How paradoxical and ironic.
Well, if you happen to read this crap, just ignore it. I cannot confess in my other blog, since parents discovered it and kept checking me up. Then I turned my pretty blog into a boring and full of ugly secrets one. Well, I know this one shall be safe, nobody read this blog since a long time ago.