LISTEN TO UR INNER VOICE

When I was having afternoon tea in LG7 on my own, Norelle's full of self-confidence image crossed my mind. I asked Eric to have afternoon tea together and he didnt answer directly. Then I knew he had sth else on his mind. From the heart, it was fine with me. I decided it's just too troublesome to have tea with somebody. If somebody doesn't want to have tea with me, I can live with that. I will just let it go. Unlike me, Norelle was mad at somebody when she asked him to have meal together but was kinda refused. Being turned down for her is quite unacceptable. I kinda felt it even back in the days when I was in high school. I didn't really know her. But maybe ever since I met her, she gave me that impression.
Well, it is not bad to have confidence. I don't have strong feeling against her. Maybe I wanna be like her--- to have self-confidence. But at the same time it is very hard for us to understand each other. Sometimes, she did wired things, at least they seemed wired for me. Ivan once said she was wired, but you know, people don't mean what they say. That's what boys like using on girls, but I think it is applicable to all human-beings. Don't deny it.
When I told Rebecca about Norelle. Rebecca said it was understandable. I'm so supprised at her because for Rebecca going out with boys should be wired enough, let alone... I don't know what she meant. But never mind. I'd like to think about the good side of everything. Norelle or Ivan will not be mad at me. Norelle needs sb. to go out with and Ivan will make a good companion. Ivan likes going out and Norelle is a cool one to go out with. They have no problem in communicating with each other. I am persuading myself that I did the right thing. Heh, wish them a good time.
Forget about Norelle and Ivan. I had a very sweet experience last night. The lovely GB girl on my floor said sth. sweet to me and made me sleep well. I do need this especially from nice girls. Sometimes, these words from sb. is more convincing than sb. else. I feel good when girls like me. It was my moto to entertain them. Though I broke my promise long ago. The day a girl said I hurt her and some of my friends I gave up myself. But this smester, some sweet girls on my floor light up the hope. I am still afraid of making Diana mad at me.
Hope my life is not a failure, not a mistake. I kinda feel down today when I checked the 271 paper. I thought I got the idea of the proof for correctness of the algorithm. But I got zero for the last question. It was a 15-point one!! TA said it should be okay for me to get above mean, but not a SD! It is not okay. Forget about the mean, SD... I should have done it correctly. This week's presentation was awful as well. The day I handed in programing assignment was the most terrible day I have ever had. Thinking of all these, the optimistic left me. I sat in the toilet, in my own 'critical section' reviewed what I have done so far. For Norelle and Ivan's sake, I did the right thing --- didnt go out with them. I imagine the worst things that could happen in my life. I lose my job and recieve an invitation to my BF's wedding on the same day. Hah, I will probably stay in my own 'critical section' and read some detective stories or write sth. in my blog. I will not share this with friends. Because I don't want to make them unhappy or worried about me. Maybe they don't know what to say and will be embarrassed. I understand that. Sometimes I need to do analysis to understand myself, let alone others. To avoid losing 'friends', share what I think they will like with them. Do not make their life hard...
When I was out of the critical section, I felt better. I wont say I have great pressure for life. But even if I do have, I won't kill myself when I am at low. I met a floormate who I dont like very much yesterday. She said bad things about mainland before she knew I was from mainland. She was giving incorrect information to the exchanges. But I didn't say anything to defend. I think words are too pale at this point. Maybe some day I will see people love each other, as if we all live in 'Love Actually is all around'. Can this be a reason why I won't kill myself?