My heart is broken

I was told that after all the time I contributed so much, I was not actually on board. I was fooled. They all sent me emails to ask me to stay. I wish it was just a misunderstanding. I know there is sth. wrong but I can just let it be instead of asking why. Imagine how can u ask sb not on board to turn in fee and contribut her time and effort? How can you ask me why the position is that important? It is not that important for me, I think they have no right to judge that or quest that. It is my own right to ask for a position. Yet Haze came with some cakes, I knew she actually was responsible to these. It was her who asked me to join and she didnt tell me anything about being a helper. I guess if Charles had that misunderstanding about me(I was willing to work as a volunteer), there must be sb who told him so. I hope there was nobody who tried to take advantage of me. From my point of view, most of her concerns were about herself which is understandable for human being is tend to be selfish. I was angry honestly but didnt show. I know there r some innocent people got involved and some students have heard about my dealing with them. They like my work and I should be responsible. I don't want to be selfish. Well maybe that's why I was in delimma. Thanks to Rebecca, Daniel and Amber for their supporting. Thanks to Ivan, talking with him is quite comforting. Thanks to all those friends who care about me. I told them I wish to continue to work with them as long as I am part of the club. Yes, I have my pride. This time they did break my heart.
Good news, Ivan said he would go to SZ with me. Of course Rebecca will go too. It will make both sides easier. I was silly to tell him the truth. But I know there is nothing really serious and besides I don't want to lie to him. I won't lie to my dear friends. My parents were quite open in fact, this time was an accident and my fault. Anyway it is solved.

Late Feast

Coz I insisted, we watched the Banquet at 00:00. It was a late feast. I enjoyed the environment and atmosphere except the temperature. The most taouching scene for me is when the Emperor Guards killed themselves. They died in glory and acted responsiblely. It is unlikely for them to judge what is the right thing to do, I mean to support which party. Therefore we cannot blame them for killing the actors with the Prince. There r some flaws in the movie as almost every other movie. I knew it was hard to satisfy me by the story. I am picky about stories and especially recent year's trend. They tried to make the movie more like an illusion or dream. They tried to blur the reality elements. Maybe that's why I found it hard to feel contented about those huge budget and popular ones. However, I did enjoy the music, dancing and some lines. Hmm, I cannot recall any though. I was reading the English subtitles when I heard sth I liked, coz I wanted to know whether the translation captured the beauty and meaning of the Chinese version or not. The funny thing is Ivan's rmmate actually watched the movie that evening. They had some discussion about who killed the queen. If it is a Chinese version of Hamlet, it must be the Prince then. Maybe that's how his rmmate held his point. Ivan said it might be the guy who sold the poison to the queen. Hmm, I think he is not important as a person. He is a message to highlight the theme. After that line, his job is done.
Today I wear a suit which I got from Rebecca's rmmate and a shirt from Rebecca. I like them. And I had some make-up. I had a quick tutorial by Haze. I borrowed some cosmetics as well. Heh, today the huma prof said I was pretty today... And two gentlemen opened the door for me... Haha A little embarrassed to say this... But that's a record... First time in suit and with make-up. wakaka~~~

Wanna be a storyteller? I am not a good one though.

I feel guilty again. Several times per semester I had that feeling. Today I didn't finish my plan. From the afternoon everything went wrong. No, I mean it is just my feeling. Then sb bothered me a lot during the T. I know he is not that bad, but I had no mood for his talks. Then I wanted to talk to sb. but actually there was nothing to say and no one to turn to. A friend showed up but he was more miserable than I was. What was I supposed to do? Right, I could only listen to him and swallowed my painful plain boring long story. I tried to make the namecards. But I had no idea what I could do with them!!! No inspirations. Then right before I was about to read sth, my rmmate was back. She was very tired and went to sleep later. I moved to the common room in the hope that sb would stop by and talk with me. But then we can only have small talks. Amber came in and I found it hard to describe my feeling to her. Coz I know she is having some tough days and I give up storytelling. We watched the movie Double Pupils. We talked duing it and we missed a lot. I don't really get the ending~~ What is the point? This afternoon I watched a Singapore one with Ivan, I can tell they were trying to say sth. to the government. He was laughing all the time. I felt different with different culture backgrounds. Heh I guess even if he is aware of the message he will laugh at it anyway. Like I said it is very healthy to laugh or smile. He is aware of it and he is sb who is going to be a doctor. I recalled the happiest time for today then. ( I am surprised it was not the hours spent with Ivan... I mean it was as fun as it was.) It was the hour when I was having brunch in LG7. Though I wasnt able to get my favourite set, I saw the news report on TV. Well, I dont mean to laugh at others' pain, but it was funny and I was glad that they have the courage to make a step. I wouldnt say it is a leap for it is similar as what they did in the council. I think some demonstrations against corruption in mainland China probably will destroy the country. You won't understand the tradition without any culture or history background. Unlike a lot of countries, China has the tradition of rebels and handover of regimes/dynasties. I mean in the past 5000 years she went through a lot of wars and conflicts, large scale and also locally. Nowadays the problem if not becomes more and more severe, at least hasnt been solved. However, imagine to have a large scale of demonstration all over the country, what will happen? My prediction is the government will use the army to surpress it and make our foreign relationship worse. Coz they have been waiting for this since 1989 and how can they miss it? At first they will propose some sactions and then ask the UN to chagne China's position on the committee. Well, maybe they will not start a war on us coz they know we have nuclear weapons. But they thought Iraq had, did they? I am not worrying about the regime or how people will see us, but the innocent people... I won't see all US people evil, even if they declare wars against some random countries or they shoot some innocent people. I personally think the regime is responsible for their dealings but not the nation or people. Mm, what is a nation? Again it is hard to define. I am farther and farther away from my original point... sorry. You see, I am a bad one. Anyway, I care about people generally. It doesnt worry me that much at this point if Taiwan people want to be independent. Actually it never worried me in the past. I was afraid if they harrassed the mainland government there might be a war. I thought it was very unlikely for mainland government to start it, but I cannot ignore the possibilty. I know it is hard to ask for loyalty from another group of people with different values and backgrounds. But the fact is they will love u and be loyal to u if you are strong and powerful enough. It seems to me that it can be applied to all animals. That's the way we survive. MMm, I am more and more depressing. The world is not perfect.
I like Crissy's line" Every second you waste is candy out of my mouth" the world is not ideal even in her mind but she "fights" for her candies.

exchange

Today we've got the email about exchange program. We list all the possible ones we'd like to go. (according to avaliable schools and rank about CS)
UIUC (Neo)
Washington, Seattle
UCLA (Joseph)
RICE
USC (but very expensive to live there i guess)
Michigan (Ariel)
UC San Diago (Dekai graduated from there)
UPen
GIT (our dear Anna)
Then I must take the TOFEL this semester then, no more excuses. Heh, I had the feeling that the TOFEL thing is coming this morning and I have the word book in my backpack today~~ I hope I can go exchange with Rebecca coz we will do the FYP together.
AHHHH! New problem: Rebecca's code is COMP397H, which is an individual thesis, mine is a project~~~ We cannot work together~~~
this is the timetable for this semester(253 is what I audit)

Life is senseless without friends

Rebecca got sick last weekend, so did Ivan. She caught a cold per semester on average and I am not surprised this time. Ivan, though he never looks awake, I thought it was his nature. I thought he was stronger. Heh, he argued that it was the food he had. Anyway, I thought I should take care of these two little things. I cooked some conjee for them~~~ I am not confident in my cooking actually, I tried. It wasn't as funny or easy as I thought. It became a problem for me as selecting the ingredients after two meals got harder. I know they are not picky but it is boring to have the same thing for meal, right? Luckily Ivan was feeling better on Sunday. Mm, our plan was to go to the wetland park on Sat. Well, maybe it is better this way, then next time we can ask Rebecca, Daniel to go together.
Ivan said 'drama' was a girls' thing. I donnu. I guess boys also have that. My charater shaped mostly during the years in junior high. Some failures turned me into the way I am now, which is very sad. I don't care about how people see me if I don't care about that person. However, I do care about how my friends feel. Yes, sometimes I spent too much time on considering them. Being thoughtful in fact is not my nature. At this point I might agree with Ivan and Rebecca's theory of names. They both believe that personalities have sth to do with names. Well, I agree to some extents. I think when people call you by your name, they have already put the meaning behind it into consideration. For instance, if you have a girly name, they will be more gentlemanlike to you. My Chinese name sounds very masculine but looks neutral. I didn't have girls' toys in my childhood and I got on well with some boys. I had a lot of female friends. Thanks to my name~~~ Some girls' parents had been worrying that their girls were too close to me. They didn't stop worrying until they met me. BTW why should we worry about this? Making friends with boys or girls matters that much? I like my friends even if they become transexuals. Hmm, maybe not really. I should say those friends who care about me. I love them. When I was upset Rebecca was always there for me and I had very engaging talks with Amber. Yin gave me a lot of encouragement. I can live it, if they have to step out of my life anyhow. I understand that People change but those sweet memories will stay in my mind forever. I am a little bit .
pessimistic about friendship. I think life-long friendship is sth very rare. I am not expecting life-long but the moments. Without them, without those moments, life will be senselessBTW, marshmallows r nice with fillings~~~ Rebecca said marshmallow sounds like mashimaro. I think they look alike~~~

Beauty Club

These days I stayed up late~~~ I finished my part of the design for Beauty Club but every time I finished the draft I always had sth to add to or polished it. I am never satisfied with my own work after a while. The first night I did the logos by 1 am and then I asked for Rachel's opinion. I thought she was not very fond of me and therefore she would tell me the truth directly without too many concern of hurting my feelings~~ Heh, she did say it out directly. Well, I don't care for that's what I expected. Then I modified it up to 4 am~~!! I wasn't satisfied but I knew I had to go to bed. (BTW I think she is a great help, I need it and she is a business student!)
Last night, Daniel came and we cooked together. We haven't had long talks since the new semester. I guess we should have had a bottle of wine to celebrate his new relationship. Mmm, maybe not. It is not a favourable relationship among his friends. I just heard the story from him and therefore I can say nothing about it. What I can do is to support him without reasons. It wasn't easy for any relationship without support~~ Around 9 we were about to do some study, Diana came and said her friends were coming to watch a movie. Then I phoned Ivan in the hope that his rmmate was out again. Heh, he didn't answer the phone. To my surprise I saw him with Rachel downstairs in the seafront! Rachel looked like the phoenix in my mind. Maybe it's her eyes. Anyway I went to the hall 2 quiet study room to study with Daniel. Heh on the way I met the other Ivan~~ They were going to hold a party for CSIEs and asked me if I would like to go. Mmm I did need to do the readings. Hall 2 has a very small study room! I could hear the baby in manager's room crying. When it comes to babies, yesterday afternoon, when we were in the lift to LG5, we saw a baby with her grandparents. She was crying. Then I said hi to her as I usually did. She stopped crying! Then she called me Mummy! OMG! Do I look like her mother? Daniel said she liked me~~ I hope so. Actually I AM a friendly stranger.

My passion for study

Last night I watched the Lake House. I heard that it was adapted from a Korean movie and the Korean one wasn't too good. But this one had two of my favourite players (Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock) in it. After some years they cooperated again and it is all I wanted to see after finished watching the Speed. I went to bed late again! This morning when I woke up it was almost 12.
I like this weather. My clothes for autumn were anxious to get out of the cupboard. Yes, they need some fresh air and probably some breeze. Can weather be my excuse? So you see, I had lang206 only. After that I went to the print shop to bind my reading materials for Huma253. It is as thick as a book! Then I looked around in the book store. I need my passion for study back. New notebooks always help. But today's decision took me some time for I knew it was too dear to own a Campus NOTEBOOK. For the B5 one, $56! But it looks so good! Finally my evil side won! Now I guess it is time to start writing sth on it. Come, come back, my passion for study!

YuYu

In Hall 2 floor 4 I met Yu Yu today. He asked whether I lived there and I said, "No, just visiting a friend." The first time I knew Yu Yu was in Huma099F tutorial. At that time I thought he was annoying and liked showing off. But I tried not to be some judgemental and be nuetual. It proved me right. First impressions are decieving sometimes. Actually some girls didn't like him and said he was too talktive. Well, I guess my personality is, the more you tell me about sb. the more I try not to listen to you. (Paradoxically, I like tellling others stories~~) If you tell me sth bad about sb I probably will not believe you until I see it myself. He got some credits when we were on the Nature Club's trip. Then I heard about his performance in language course. I believe that can be the instructor's headache but on the other hand you do need sb like this to break the ice. Last semester the Band society held a concert and it was a big event. His band gave a very good performance! It stroke me and I was obssessed. His voice is deep and he can sing to very high key. Then I heard about his determination to be a good singer. I don't know how many percent of the story is true but I can tell from his performance. I was in the Huma200T class and was not that surprised to see him there. I hope to know more about him but unfortunately I have to drop this course. Well, he lives on the 4 floor, 411, does that mean I can find some excuse and drop in? I wish to hear the whole story from the person himself. Hmm, to be a storyteller is not bad rihgt? But if I were a storyteller and I always tell you the story about nice people, wont you be tired of my stories? Perhaps you need some evil stories? Don't deny it, your subconscious may have will to take risk and the evil stories can fulfill your need. Even those religious people sometimes have dangerous interest~~ My theory. heh~~

First week

We met some middle age and he told me he had lost 3 important things in his life. It was depressing and I know no word can comfort him. We saw a lot of homeless cats. Ivan said it was their home. This afternoon when I got up, it was rainging outside. It becomes cooler. I miss autumn. Why? Yes, we have long holidays in autumn. Well, they come with midterms. Yesterday, when I was in the library. They talked about midterms. I didn't really want to know the exact time for midterms. They seem far from now. But I heard them, I couldn't avoid them.
Daniel is back in SZ now, I knew it. I don't think we can continue with that study group and maybe I should find a quiet place and stay away from the crowd. Can I?
Ivan wanted to buy sth for school. And he asked me whether Rebecca would like to go. Haha, I think they two can hang out together sometimes. I don't think it is so hard as she said to go out with boys. It will be no problem I guess, if she goes out with Ivan. It must be fun. So I phoned her and asked whether she could take him there( hope she knows the way, but anyway she is a smart girl and what she need is independence.) He asked whether she knew the way and she sounded relutant to do that on her own. But I will not give in anyway. I hate odd numbers! I am afraid of being singled out. Now it is Saturday. I don't know what I have done so far. I didn't ask Feynman coz I think he needs some time to do study. Hope I made the right decision and wish them a good time.
-------------------------------------
I phoned them just now and I actually didn't need to worry about them. They are shopping now. But I they didn't like shopping~~ People surprise you sometimes. I am watching the special feature for Phantom of the Opera. I didn't like phantom very much before. But after I watched the scene of No One Would Listen. I saw his solitude and sorrow. I don't know if it is I project mine on him or it is Webber's. It is said that it was his love for Sarah. He wanted to rise up and reach the world. What is the world for him? She can complete his world, can't she? I just cannot imagine if there is someone like that can complete mine. I need something else. The echo deep down to be heard, and answers I look for through my life be answer, sth like these. I doubted if Cathy's way is good for Feynman, but maybe she is right. I can say nothing about that for I am confused about my own future. It is misty. I start to understand Ivan's dislike of meeting acquaintances all the time, for me, especially my classmates.
Life is not easy, so I nap

the Siamese cat

Very sad, I am that cat. Today I met the girl in library who we knew each other from the western short stories' lecture. She said she was in year 0. I was surprised because she looked very local. Then she denied it at once and I can tell that she was afraid to be catogorized as a mainland student. Then I ask" Do you think I am one? " She said no immediately and I surprised her by saying "Indeed I am!" I didn't kill any zebras I hope. I haven't really formed my social circle of cats unfortunately. I want some cats who can joke with me and have serious talk with me. I don't want to be a cat frighten zbras or have a lot of zebras who don't understand me at all. Well then I know that we are all unique! No cat can really understand me, right?
Rebecca's way of persuading me to do sth. is quite simple and I still will follow her advise. I am in the Huma253 now, despite the fact that I hate memorizing facts, names, places. But I do like this professor! I like his soft way of telling stories. Sb talks in a low voice but that doesn't mean he or she speaks softly. I like those voices which we can all hear and yet are gentle. Well it is not hard to be soft and make us all hear him. Prof has mic! He talked about some dynasties. About the ban on seafaring. I feel very sad about that. What if a Siamese cat one day wanted to see his hometown? He had no other choices just because of this powerful country didn't allow him to return. Before I went to the lecture, I got the play of Peach Blossom Fan. The selection we were required to read is one of my favourites. For me it is more than ruins of their yesterday's pleasure-houses; it is more than death bodies and people of starvation!
" I　came to the old pleasure-house,
no need to knock,
no fear for dogs.
A dried-up well, an abandoned nest,
moss-covered tiles, the steps sprouting weeds..."
Translation makes it plain. You can still feel what the transaction of regimes and wars bring to people. It was truly magnificent, but it brought you tears. A scholar of the previous dynasty must have felt very repulsed against the new one. They had identity difficulties as the cat had. They probably would be killed if they didn't follow the new dynasty's decisions. For them, it was no more freedom not even in their dreams. BTW, when the prof refered Taiwan as SE Asia, a girl raised her hand and seemed to be angry about that and the prof had to explain it was geographically defined. Come on, I mean it is history! Mmm, I hope China can have Taiwan but I know it is like love. If she doesn't like you, marriage doesn't count! Having approval from others dosnt mean a lot to me.
I believe that we are looking for a better world and we are trying to make a better one. I understand that holding different positions in this world will lead to different conclusions! Heh, I am worrying about the rest of the world again! I haven't read anything about the middle east or Bush administration. I guess I am just not strong enough to face the reality

Awkward Feeling

Before the semester began, I had had already been thinking about my future a lot. It seemed no way out for me. I would say I still don't know what to do and what I want to be. That won't be easy for me and I do need some time. But then I kinda ran away from it. I tried to avoid it by going out with Ivan and avoid thinking about it. Last night when we had dinner together with Rachel, Diana and Rebecca, sth. terrible happened which made me sleepless. I've never been really bad about anyone! But my rmmate asked me whether I liked Rachel or not. On our way back, Rebecca had a serious talk with me. She said I cared too much about Ivan, that made Diana misunderstand me. I know her concern. She doesnt want me to get hurt and she is afraid that I might fall in love with him. Well, I feel awkward that she said these to me. It is horrible! I guess it is hard for us to understand each other. I am always independent and she seems always dependent. I had male friends and she said she never really talked with them. She didn't understand my jokes sometimes, but even Ivan would say 'that's funny' (Maybe he said so just to be nice, but against his own will) Maybe I am selfish and childish. My jokes r awful and boring... Anyway, I've been with Eric a lot and she didn't think it that way. Maybe she wanted me to keep some distance with Ivan. Yes, I know. After he's back I will feel empty. I remember this feeling. My uncle was with us for several months when we were in Canton, after he moved to the States, I had a hard time to get used to it, even though we weren't that close. But if I avoid Ivan because of self protection, that will be worse for me. It is against my moral standard. I guess I want to be a tour guide! I showed her around in Canton, not because I wanted to but I needed to. Most of the time it is more like responsibility than friendship for me to ask her out. It is horrible, isnt it? What about Ivan? For me going out with him is generally fun! I don't really need to worry about him. But she said it's time for him to make new friends and he got on well with a lot of people, not just me. It sounded like I am preventing him from making new friends. (I know she probably meant sth else nicer, but I AM selfish.) I think it is the same as I with Rebecca. We always stayed together. I don't have a lot of local friends and she doesn't know Cantonese. Shall I give her some space and myself some? I was sleepless though I was really tired about these. Then I phoned Eric. I knew he wouldn't sleep until later. He came to my room and it was already a comfort. We talked and I felt better. I knew I had some pressure when I was with Eric, but most of the time I don't feel it. It is like the atmospheric pressure around us. I dont feel it most of the time. I failed the course FRIENDSHIP001~~~ I messed up.

Adventure

I guess I am born adventurer. I am willing to take risk, well some risks. Last night we dined out again in Sai Gong. It was fun but I had too much. Then we went for a walk along the coast line. I thought it would be okay for us to stay until midnight since there would be bus running all night. But then after we got off at the prison stop and later I found out that the buses were usually full when they reached this stop. After half an hour's internal struggling, we decided to walk back. I didn't want to do it at first for my buddy's sake. For he looked really tired.
On the way back we met at least two ladies walking on their own and we started making things up. Maybe we were tired and didn't really know what we were talking about. When we were almost there, I thought of my bed though it isnt as nice as mine at home. I thought when I was back at dorm my rmmate would probably be asleep with her tummy facing the bed and I would take off everything and fall asleep soon. Heh. I did.
I have been thinking of Ivan's idea of smart guys and smart jobs. I am sure it still worths it if no matter how hard I work I cannot get very high score in the class. Nobody can be good at everything, can they? We should not be shameful or guilty about Hardworking. Instead I will be happy with no matter what the result is because at least I tried. but then this HUMA200T is too much for me. Only 11 students enrolled including myself. I don't know if I can survive. It seems too risky for me and I can hardly take it as an adventure. I went to Ivan's HUMA230 and it seems to be my last chance. I've dropped the 100 level one coz I don't really need many below 200. Well I enjoy reading stories in general. However, concerning my grade, interest and ability are not compatible sometimes. I heard some native speakers in the class. I don't expect to win but can I show my ideas and intellengence? Will my voice be heard? I wonder. Besides I feel guilty to drop the 200 one for the prof has regconized me and I enjoy classical dramas anyway.
Today's OS course is fun as the first one. I like this prof and maybe I will begin to like OS more. COMP271 wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I like puzzles and that's why I don't hate it generally. So far the math144 is the only one I dislike. Rebecca and I wanted to swap but then we were told that the other one was even worse, at least no better. I can live with it then, yes, I have to. I am looking forward to my dearest DK's lecture!!! I miss him! We like him a lot. Ivan asked why. Well, the fact is he is cool, both as a prof and as a man! Listening to his lecture is like watching a wonderful movie. Yes, I am emotional, instead of logical.
P.S.
Just now I had a nap in the lab. I had a bad dream. My dad was shouting at me and it was so real... Well, actually he is nice most of the time but I am afraid that all of a sudden he is mad about me... I guess more than once I had this kind of dream...

REBORN

I abandoned my Chinese blog on MSN space. Not because of their recent change of interface but my own decision. I was told that I wrote too much on serious topics which they are not interested in and would keep my parents worrying about me. Since this blog is still undiscovered by most of the people and kinda underground, I will write here. It is my new baby now~~~
This summer I went to the UK and it was fun. I can kept talking about it forever but I have to carry on.(I wrote a long one about it in my Chinese blog) The reality is I was back after 2 weeks and started my summer course. At first I didn't pay enough attention to it and thus didnt do well enough. But anyway I made up finally.
I've got a buddy at last. Last year when I applied, it was too late. Now I am so happy that I have this buddy, Ivan. I cannot say we understand each other well but we get on well. I really like him and miss him already. I can have a lot of friends but still be lonely. When we are together talking, I feel comfortable and relaxed. Well, sometimes I am at a loss, thanks to my poor English... Heh --b||... Last night we walked to the BBQ site and saw that group of exchange students. I told him that he was like an outsider, Mac among those Windows, quoted from his word. I am Linux, open source, free and user friendly. Maybe it is hard to get along well with me at first. I feel awkward whenever I am among the crowd or in parties. I will be very quiet if I hang out with more than 4 people. Cannot stand the noise and wasting time on waiting for each other. BTW I guess we enjoy the nature and views. But he wants to see all the famous cities. I would like to visit all the forest, national parks, etc. We are meeting our Rachel tomorrow. I am eager to meet her! She is a mystery for us! Another Rebecca from what I heard, but more talkive. I think we will become good friends. I will live in the shadow of Rebecca forever, Haha! Just kidding! I hope she doesnt mind that I told her about the movie Rebecca. I shouldn't have told her, but you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sooner or later I will say it. However, sometimes I do understand the heroine's feelings. Maybe that's an explaination of why I am lonely, sometimes.
That's almost it up to now